Jokes

Posted on 21 May 2020


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Native American.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the man replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

-- Joke submitted by John Harris   [Jokes]



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Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.

-- Joke submitted by yellowtail   [Jokes]



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A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.

Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."

"You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried and now irritated waiter, "I can only serve one table at a time."

-- Joke submitted by Ann Trelawney   [Jokes]



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A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: "Delayed by storm. Send instructions."

His boss e-mails back: "Start vacation immediately!"

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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Ever wonder why?

1. How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

2. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

3. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

4. You know how most packages say "Open here"... What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

5. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

6. Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

7. Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

8. Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're waiting for an elevator presses the already lit "up" button -- as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn't when you pressed it the first time?

-- Joke submitted by niney-hiney   [Jokes]



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An Actor's Invaluable Guide To Acting - Anywhere

1. Hold for all laughs -- real, expected or imagined. If you don't get one, face front and repeat the line louder. Failing this, laugh at it yourself.

2. Cultivate an attitude of hostility. Tension gets results -- onstage and off.

3. A good performance, like concrete, should be molded quickly and then forever set.

4. Your first responsibility as an actor is to find your light.

5. Do not listen to your fellow actors on stage, it will only throw you. Do not look at them either -- you may not like what you see.

6. Always be specific -- point at what you're talking about.

7. If a line isn't working for you, change it.

8. Stage Managers are NOT actors -- ignore them. But help keep them alert by never arriving on time or signing in.

9. Never be afraid to ad-lib to get attention, especially if you feel the leads aren't very interesting.

10. Mistakes are never your fault.

11. Always find something to bitch about, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Your fellow actors will respect your
professional attention to detail.

12. Never carry makeup-someone will have what you need.

13. If you can't be heard, it's not your fault. Any decent theatre should have body mics.

14. Never, never help understudies. (They secretly hate you and want your job.)

15. Do help your fellow actors by giving them notes whenever you feel necessary. And give notes immediately before they go on -- it will be fresher that way.

16. Speak your lines as if the audience had difficulty understanding the language.

17. Keep other performers on their toes by ridiculing their performances, and never let them know what you're going to do next.

18. Play the reality -- always be aware of the audience and whether you think they like the show, then gauge your performance accordingly. Why knock yourself out for ungratefuls?

19. The only difference between an amateur and a pro is that the pro does exactly the same thing for money.

20. Need a character? Get a costume.

-- Joke submitted by koko   [Jokes]



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