Jokes

Posted on 15 May 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

One evening, while sitting around the dinner table, a little girl looked up and asked her father, "Daddy, you're the boss, right?"

Her father was very pleased by this and replied, "Yes."

Then, the little girl continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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One son brings his brother to their mother.

She says, "You're not a victim of identity theft. You're a twin."

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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A psychiatrist gives me some pills and says, "Take these and you'll feel much better."

I reply, "But there's nothing wrong with me, it's the rest of the world!"

He says, "Yes, I know, but it's easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world."

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, the doctor asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. Max told him that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn't fit when he recently put it on for a wedding.

The doctor said, "Suits do not shrink while sitting in a closet, you probably put on a few pounds."

Max replied, "That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained even one pound since the last time I wore it."

"Well, then," said the doctor, "You must have a case of 'Dresser Disease'."

"What in the world is 'Dresser Disease?'" asked Max.

The doctor replied, "That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."

-- Joke submitted by P. Etchingham   [Jokes]



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Signs That Your Co-worker Is A Computer Hacker

1. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

2. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

3. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

4. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

5. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

6. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net".

7. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

8. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

9. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

10. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

-- Joke submitted by BadStudent   [Jokes]



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Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science.

This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad). The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass". You'll know it when you see it.

-- Joke submitted by brainstorm daddy   [Jokes]



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Here’s what your e-mail address says about your computer skills:

Own domain (e.g., @joesmith.com): You’re skilled and capable.

@gmail.com:When the Internet stops working, you actually try rebooting the router before calling a family member for help.

@hotmail.com:You still think that Myspace is hip.

@yahoo.com:You send e-mail chain letters saying that Bill Gates will eat your hard drive unless you forward this message to everyone you know.

@aol.com: You phone friends to tell them about a neat website, then say into the receiver, “OK, go to … h … t … t … p … colon … slash … w … w … w … dot …”

-- Joke submitted by Mary Dobson   [Jokes]



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How to Have Fun in a Courtroom

1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking.

2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the defendant when the judge isn't looking.

3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is present.

4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your head and quiver.

5. Stand up and yell "OBJECTION!" to everything the judge says. EVERYTHING.

6. If you're the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under your table.

7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off into space and blow spit bubbles.

8. Sing "The Song That Never Ends" incessantly.

9. Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips and motion that you'll "call him/her."

10. Actually call him/her.

11. Bring a kazoo.

12. Act like you're doing something important, and ask them to "keep it down."

13. Every time the judge uses the gavel, keel over backwards and act like you've been shot.

14. Bring a Gameboy and turn the sound up as far as it will go.

15. Wait until everybody is completely focused on the trial, then blow a referee's whistle as loud as you can. Point to the person next to you and tell him to "stop it!"

16. Pretend you turn into a pig when you get wet. Douse yourself in cold water and act like one.

17. Call the judge a wuss when he issues the death penalty. When he accuses you of contempt of the court, look puzzled and ask him what it means. When he answers, object.

18. Dress up like Santa Claus.

19. Drink all of your lawyer's water, then ask for more. Then ask to go to the bathroom.

20. Hiccup every time somebody says the word "the."

21. Change your plea every five minutes.

22. If you're the judge, call the defendant the plaintiff, the plaintiff a lawyer, the witness a juror, and the jurors defendants. Call the lawyers "Barney."

23. Gurgle into the microphone.

24. Complain aloud about that nasty wedgie you have, then take a poll of others in the audience if they too have a nasty wedgie.

25. If in traffic court, when asked to stand, walk over to the judge and issue him a parking ticket on his desk.

26. When asked to produce evidence, pick your nose, smear the snot on the table, point to it and say, "From this it is obvious, I am not guilty!"

27. Wear those X-Ray vision glasses from Halloween, when someone walks past, stare them up and down then shake head in dismay.

28. Popcorn and a large coke, if anyone asks about it, show them your ticket and say "I'm a paying customer!".

29. Fart, pause momentarily, and comment under your breath, "I've done better..."

30. Fart again later on, take a deep breath and state enthusiastically "Now that's more like it!".

31. Bring a Lego replica of the courtroom, including Lego people, and imitate everything happening, including voices!

32. When pronounced guilty, reply "How about we try that again, this time Rock, Scissors, Paper - best of three!"

33. Bring toaster and wave a box of "Tropical Sprinkles Pop Tarts" around while asking "Where's a damn plug around here!"

-- Joke submitted by Ann Trelawney   [Jokes]



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