Jokes

Posted on 14 May 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

-- Joke submitted by natajaguar   [Jokes]



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Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"

-- Joke submitted by Gerry Hangel   [Jokes]



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Michael: I'm no longer the quarterback on our Notre Dame High School team.

Micky: What happened?

Michael: It's all my mother's fault. She made me promise not to pass anything until somebody said "Please."

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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When his teenage son asked to borrow twenty dollar, the man said, "Son, don't you realize that there are more important things in life than money?"

"Yes, sir," the youth replied, "I do. But you need money to take them to the movies."

-- Joke submitted by Kate Gee   [Jokes]



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Little Johnny was walking down the beach, and as he did so, he saw a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand.

He walked up to her and asked, "Do you go to church every week?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes."

"Do you know the Ten Commandments?"

"Yes, I do," she answered, with a smile.

"Do you keep them all?" Johnny asked.

She nodded her head, "Yes, I do," she said.

With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my dollar while I go swimming?"

-- Joke submitted by Jennifer Kent   [Jokes]



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In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and again watched his father give it to a guest.

This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Questioning a class, an inspector asked: "If you were to say to me, 'You was here yesterday', would that be right?"

"No, sir," was the reply.

"And why not?"

"Please, sir, because you wasn't."

-- Joke submitted by Simma   [Jokes]



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Signs You've Grown Up

1. You keep more food than beer in your fridge.
2. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
3. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
4. You go from 130 days of vacation time to seven.
5. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
6. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
7. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
8. Dinner and a movie are now the whole date instead of just the beginning of one.
9. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
10. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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