Jokes

Posted on 7 April 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

-- Joke submitted by Carl   [Jokes]



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A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them apart, so she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she can't tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for his advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horse's ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.

Again, she asks the farmer what to do and he tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, "Thanks for your advice. It turns out the white horse is two inches taller than the black horse!"

-- Joke submitted by callun   [Jokes]



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A high-school geometry teacher started a lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. "If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles."

He noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and asked him why.

"Well," the student replied sincerely, "I was waiting for you to start speaking English."

-- Joke submitted by ziapod   [Jokes]



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An old lady was rowing a boat in a corn field. A man stopped and started yelling at her from the road. A second man stopped and asked the first man why he was yelling.

The first man said, "Can't you see the lady rowing a boat in the corn field?"

The second guy said, "Go out there and find out what she's doing!"

The first guy replied, "I would, but I can't swim!"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Taxes One-Liners

Ambition in America is still rewarded... with high taxes.

America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.

Americans are now in a daze from intaxication.

There was a time when $1000.00 was the down-payment on a car; now it's the sales tax.

If my business gets much worse, I won't have to lie on my next tax return.

Drive carefully. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get.

Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.

There is no child so bad that he/she can't be used as an income tax deduction.

Congress does some strange things - it puts a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

Congress has the unsolved problem of how to get the people to pay taxes they can't afford for services they don't need.

Every year around April 15 Americans have a rendezvous with debt.

The rich and the poor are alike - they both complain about taxes.

A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time.

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.

Nothing makes a person more modest about their income than to fill out a tax form.

I hate junk mail... and that includes the tax forms they send me.

Income tax is Uncle Sam's version of "Truth or Consequences."

An income-tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

About the time a man is cured of swearing, another income tax is due.

-- Joke submitted by Danny Doplin   [Jokes]



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Things to do in the elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space."

-- Joke submitted by 4broth   [Jokes]



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