Jokes

Posted on 5 April 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A milkman who is dying in the hospital is surrounded his two sons, daughter and his wife and nurse.

Says to his eldest son: "To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly terrace."

"To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the High street Plaza."

"To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Centre offices."

"And you, my dear wife, the three residential buildings towers in down town."

The nurse, impressed, tells his wife: "Madam, your husband is very rich. He is bequeathing many properties! You all are so lucky!!"

And the wife retorts: "Rich? Lucky?? Are you kidding??!! Those are his routes where he delivers milk!"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmm. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady.

"What's to be proud of?" asked the old man.

The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth?"

-- Joke submitted by Emily Malahide   [Jokes]



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Modern Tools

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principle to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chain Saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

-- Joke submitted by Tom Machen   [Jokes]



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You Might Be A Physics Major If...

1. It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

2. The "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.

3. You are completely addicted to caffeine.

4. You can translate English into Binary.

5. You can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."

6. You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."

7. You consider ANY non-science course "easy."

8. You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

9. You have a pet named after a scientist.

10. You have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.

11. You have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.

12. You hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.

13. You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

14. You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

15. You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

16. You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

17. You understood more than five of these indicators.

-- Joke submitted by Betty Green   [Jokes]



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An Actor's Invaluable Guide To Acting - Anywhere

1. Hold for all laughs -- real, expected or imagined. If you don't get one, face front and repeat the line louder. Failing this, laugh at it yourself.

2. Cultivate an attitude of hostility. Tension gets results -- onstage and off.

3. A good performance, like concrete, should be molded quickly and then forever set.

4. Your first responsibility as an actor is to find your light.

5. Do not listen to your fellow actors on stage, it will only throw you. Do not look at them either -- you may not like what you see.

6. Always be specific -- point at what you're talking about.

7. If a line isn't working for you, change it.

8. Stage Managers are NOT actors -- ignore them. But help keep them alert by never arriving on time or signing in.

9. Never be afraid to ad-lib to get attention, especially if you feel the leads aren't very interesting.

10. Mistakes are never your fault.

11. Always find something to bitch about, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Your fellow actors will respect your
professional attention to detail.

12. Never carry makeup-someone will have what you need.

13. If you can't be heard, it's not your fault. Any decent theatre should have body mics.

14. Never, never help understudies. (They secretly hate you and want your job.)

15. Do help your fellow actors by giving them notes whenever you feel necessary. And give notes immediately before they go on -- it will be fresher that way.

16. Speak your lines as if the audience had difficulty understanding the language.

17. Keep other performers on their toes by ridiculing their performances, and never let them know what you're going to do next.

18. Play the reality -- always be aware of the audience and whether you think they like the show, then gauge your performance accordingly. Why knock yourself out for ungratefuls?

19. The only difference between an amateur and a pro is that the pro does exactly the same thing for money.

20. Need a character? Get a costume.

-- Joke submitted by koko   [Jokes]



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