Jokes

Posted on 1 July 2020


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday."

-- Joke submitted by Max Rubin   [Jokes]



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A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding.

As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."

"Well, show me," the officer demanded.

The driver got out the machetes and started juggling them, starting with three, then more, and then finally seven at one time. He juggled them overhand, underhand, and behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

As another car passed by, the driver did a double take, and said to himself, "I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

-- Joke submitted by Ferdi Kiel   [Jokes]



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"Where's my paycheck?" asked the clerk of the paymaster in the big plant.

The cashier explained: "Well, after deducting withholding tax, state income tax, city tax, Social Security, retirement fund, unemployment insurance, hospitalization, dental insurance, group life insurance and your donation to the company welfare fund, you owe us fourteen dollars and twenty-five cents.

-- Joke submitted by Marty   [Jokes]



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A young Jewish boy runs into the living room and says to his father, "Pop! I need twenty bucks, fast!"

To which his father replies, "Fifteen bucks! What do you need ten bucks for?"

-- Joke submitted by Linda Tranweel   [Jokes]



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What You Can Learn From Your Kids

1. There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 4 years old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
5. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
6. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
7. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
8. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
9. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh,' it's already too late.
10. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
11. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak-it explodes.
12. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
13. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
14. Duplos will not.
15. 'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should never be used in the same sentence.
16. SuperGlue is forever.
17. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
18. Ditto Tarzan.
19. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
20. Pool filters do not like Jello.
21. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
22. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
23. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
24. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
25. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
26. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
27. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
28. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
29. Quiet does not necessarily mean 'don't worry'.
30. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

-- Joke submitted by kassandra   [Jokes]



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Definitions

It may help to say the word out loud and slowly...

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-avoy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot.

Misty \miss'-tee\: How golfers create divots.

Paradox \par'-of-docks\: Two physicians.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.

Primate \pri'-mate\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief \ree-leaf'\: What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress \seem'-stress\: Describes 200 pounds in a size six.

Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued \some-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed \soo'-da-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official.

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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