Jokes

Posted on 25 March 2020


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Husband 1: I am the boss of the house. I couldn't find cold water in the house, so I shouted for hot water and got it immediately.

Husband 2: Wow, that's great. Is it for drinking or bathing?

Husband 1: It was for washing the dishes.

-- Joke submitted by Julia Miller   [Jokes]



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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only tobe confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning."

-- Joke submitted by xtrain   [Jokes]



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A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

-- Joke submitted by Kate Nash   [Jokes]



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One Thanksgiving a grandfather and his grandson broke the wishbone from the turkey. The boy was bitterly disappointed to find himself holding the small end of the bone.

"Don't worry," the grandfather comforted the child. "My wish was that your wish would come true."

-- Joke submitted by Danny   [Jokes]



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A racehorse owner asked his jockey why he didn't ride his mount through a hole when it opened up just before the final turn.

"I tried," replied the jockey. "But it is impossible to go through a hole that is going faster than your horse."

-- Joke submitted by Gerry   [Jokes]



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Some Really Good Questions

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

6. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

7. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

8. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

9. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

10. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Middle Age

A few thoughts to make you realize that we're not wine when it comes to aging:

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

Of course I'm against sin. I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

-- Joke submitted by Mark Stone   [Jokes]



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This list of office pranks is sure to get any one fired.

1. Photocopy an entire dictionary and fax it to the CFO.

2. Schedule a series of important departmental meetings and forget to show up to them.

3. (Office Prank) Send blank sheets of paper via interoffice mail. (Marked “urgent” and “confidential”, of course.) Remember to send a few to the mailroom; they’ll especially get a kick out of it.

4. Anonymously post quotes from Adolph Hitler on a company bulletin board. (Quotes about “team spirit” can be particularly inspiring.)

5. Set a mouse free in the office each day. When the problem becomes an epidemic, send snakes after them.

6. Hide in the supply closet and scare people when they open the door.

7. Put a fake rubber hand in your sleeve, and when a secretary walks by, stick the hand in a paper shredder and scream.

8. Submit letters of resignation for other employees.

9. Conduct all correspondence with your friend in the same office via Federal Express early-morning next-day delivery.

10. Dial the phone number of the guy in the next cubicle whenever he walks away from his desk. Hang up before he can run back to answer it. Repeat often.

11. Send counterfeit memos from the company president, politely letting employees know that they’ve been fired and must clear out their offices and leave the building immediately.

12. Report rumors daily via the bathroom wall.

13. Pull a fire alarm while someone is in the bathroom.

14. Whenever a coworker makes a mistake, offer them the opportunity to “help you out” in exchange for you not reporting the mistake to their boss.

15. Sneak into the conference room before the next major meeting and place nametags in front of each of the seats. Assign black people to one side of the table and white people to the other.

16. Take a stack of resumes from the recruitment department and schedule some interviews for fictional, but high-paying, positions.

17. Respond to every request by your boss with the phrase “I would prefer not to.”

-- Joke submitted by inktuprast   [Jokes]



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