Jokes

Posted on 23 March 2020


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Two buddies talking in the bar.

"Hey, you look rather dejected today. What's happened?"

"It's my father-in-law."

"Fell ill?"

"Worse."

"Died?"

"Worse. He's undergone a gender change operation and... now I've got two mothers-in-law."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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"Do you know the difference between roast chicken and a long, lingering kiss?" a boss asked his secretary one day.

"No. I don't," she said.

"Great!" said the boss. "Let's have chicken for lunch."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy (starts looking for change...)

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

-- Joke submitted by Pinkerton   [Jokes]



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"Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" asked one man of his friend.

"Sure," was the answer. "Did you think it would go through?"

-- Joke submitted by kSauce   [Jokes]



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What I Don't Do

1. I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

2. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves. I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.

3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because .... they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

4. I don't disturb cobwebs because . I want every creature to have a home of their own and hubby loves spiders.

5. I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

6. I don't plant a garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way. He is an excellent designer.

7. I don't put things away because ... my husband will never be able to find them again.

8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

9. I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".

10. I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!

-- Joke submitted by Alan Hugh   [Jokes]



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The cannibal was questioning his newest captive. "Tell me, what was your business before we found you?"

"I was in the newspaper business."

"What did you do?"

"Assistant Editor."

"Ah, good news. Promotion awaits you. After tonight, you will be editor-in-chief."

-- Joke submitted by Wildy   [Jokes]



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What the Professor Says (What the Professor Really Means)

This needs some minor revision.
(I never actually got around to reading this.)
My office hours are by appointment only.
(I like to get out of here early.)

Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation.
(I'll be fudging your grades.)

This won't be on the test.
(Nap time!)

Bring the text to class.
(I don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.)

Talk to the department secretary.
(Get lost.)

Talk to me in my office after class.
(Get out of my face.)

The tests will all be multiple-choice.
(I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad students do all my grading.)

Don't come in late during my lecture.
(I have the attention span of a fruit fly.)

Save your questions until the end.
(See above.)

The final will be comprehensive.
(I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.)

Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations.
(This course is outside my specialty--I'll just bluff it and let YOU teach.)

There are two TAs available to help you.
(I can't be bothered.)

This year I'll be scaling the grades.
(I just passed tenure review.)

Let's break up into quiet discussion groups.
(I have a hangover.)

Let's have class outdoors today!
(I had beans for lunch.)

You won't be able to sell back the text to the bookstore.
(My contract wasn't picked up.)

Please note the last day to withdraw.
(The midterm's gonna suck.)

The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17.
(I only got around to making up the test last night.)

The second list is optional reading.
(I have a rich fantasy life.)

I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet.
(The idiot department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.)

Well, it was on the syllabus.
(I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself.)

We'll just skip the term paper this semester.
(There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA.)

Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam.
(See above.)

Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade.
(I'm so boring that no one would show up otherwise.)

Read chapters 5 through 10.
(I'm not coming in at all next week.)

We'll have to cover this chapter quickly.
(I screwed up the lecture schedule.)

Let's go over the exam.
(Half of you failed.)

It was in the textbook.
(I pulled it out of thin air.)

I'm postponing today's exam.
(There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.)

Don't write on the question sheet.
(I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.)

-- Joke submitted by Baker Boom   [Jokes]



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50 ways to add confusion to dining halls

1. Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Sip some soda up and spray it on the person next to you. Pretend nothing happened.

2. Don't go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come in, hara** for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall needs new ketchup.

3. Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food.

4. After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn to the person nearest to you and say, "Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish] fly like that before?"

5. Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.

6. Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is introduced, request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot, a simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil cream sauce, and a tart but not sweet dessert of his/her own concoction. When he or she refuses, punch them and proceed to make this meal yourself.

7. After finishing your meal, look at your brand of china. Proceed to look at everyone else's, regardless of whether they're finished eating or not. Complain how the school is too cheap to buy some real Wedgewood china. Then dump your dishes and waste food in the trash and explain how it would be cheaper to buy new dishes than to wash the old ones.

8. During the meal, start a conversation about the innocence of Jeffrey Dahmer. Then look at everybody's limbs with a marked amount of interest. Then "involuntarily" drool.

9. Stand in line for the food. After getting your food, smear it over your clothes and return to the end of the line. Repeat.

10. Complain how cold it is in the dining hall--to every person in the dining hall.

11. Instead of getting a fork, knife, and spoon, get three spoons. Cut your meat with them and pretend not to notice.

12. Do not to use glasses. Anytime you feel like having a drink, go up to the liquid dispenser, wrap your mouth around it, and press the button. Complain that it goes too fast.

13. Burp to the tune of Jingle Bells.

14. Stand next to the salad bar. Every time someone reaches for some food, yell, "Hey!" and shake your head.

15. Remark on how the food's sanitation is open to question. Recall the time you saw the chef blow snot rocks into the food "for seasoning." Ask the person next to you to be your Food Tester.

16. Enter the dining hall half naked. If you're not immediately removed from the premises, sit next to someone eating. Ask him or her how they're enjoying their meal.

17. Ask how the lettuce was killed. After the initial pause of confusion, shake your head angrily and yell, "What about vegetables?! Don't they have rights too?!"

18. Grab a big handful of whatever it is you're eating and shove it into your neighbor's face. Offer him or her a bite.

19. Get your food and sit down. Count out loud the number of grains of rice you received, starting again every once in a while. When you're done, go up to the server and tell him or her how you were cheated out of 8 grains and proceed to make a scene.

20. Same as above, but with burgers.

21. When they're not looking, empty your bladder into an empty glass. Show contents to everyone and say, "This apple juice tastes funny. Here. Try some."

22. Every time someone takes a bite of their food, laugh uncontrollably. Stop suddenly and warn everyone not to laugh. Then take a bite of yours while giving everyone an evil eye.

23. Get a friend. Practice weightlifting tables. If people complain, weightlift them.

24. Get some clean plates and empty glasses. Sit down and stare them down.

25. During the meal, yell out, "Oh my gosh! It's still alive!" Grab your knife and start hacking at the meat.

26. Dress in clothes with lots of pockets. When you're in the dining hall, stuff them with all the food you can find. Waddle out of the dining hall, but on the way out, remark how the dining hall never has enough food.

27. Practice singing.

28. Randomly stop people from eating and try to convince them that their food is poisoned.

29. Bring insects and small rodents. Release.

30. Dress in a toga. After getting your food, find a comfortable place to recline. Throw your utensils on the floor and start eating Romanically. Explain how you never should have trusted that Brutus guy.

31. Switch the label on skim milk with the one on whole milk.

32. Yell to someone walking by, "I'll take two hot dogs, and my son will have some peanuts."

33. After getting all your food, sit down. Start arranging your food alphabetically, from left to right. Ask the person next to you whether you should put orange juice under "o" or "j."

34. Bring in a television and VCR. Set it up to play "Faces of Death." Eat avidly as you describe each screen to everyone. Embellish. Don't be afraid to speak while your mouth is full.

35. Get a large container and fill it with milk. Pour its contents into the cereal dispenser. Dispense cereal. Complain about how you always get too much milk.

36. Go up to someone you don't know and say, "Can I toast your buns?"

37. Talk to your food. Tell it to quit complaining or else you'll chew more.

38. Find and remove all the green Froot Loops from the cereal dispenser. Then announce to everyone that you're charging a nickel for each green Froot Loop. If they refuse, tell them that they're not real Froot Loop eaters.

39. Stand where everyone empties their trays. Offer to eat everything unfinished.

40. "Pa** the pepper and salt, please."

41. Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyone's done eating. Inform them of the daily special desserts and take their orders.

42. Spill your drink and tray on a person and run off.

43. During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death.

44. Find a full table. Ask, "Is anyone sitting under there?" Proceed to eat beneath the table. Ask for amenities such as napkins and ketchup. Comment on how nice everyone's shoes look.

45. If sitting with someone with whom you're romantically interested, complain how the setting isn't very romantic. Apologize. Then give a look of resolve and proceed to smash all the lights in the dining hall. Sit back down and remove the shattered gla** from your partner's food.

46. Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza.

47. During the meal, complain how terrible the virus is that you have. Proceed to cough and sneeze on everyone's food.

48. Speak of some disgusting topic while everyone is eating.

49. Request a waitress.

50. Comment on how good the food is.

-- Joke submitted by sostupid   [Jokes]



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