Jokes

Posted on 14 March 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Philanthropy

"I hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn't paid her servants any wages for a number of months," remarked one lady to another in a suburban town.

"Why does she keep such a number of them then?" was the pertinent inquiry.

"Oh, Mrs. Brewster tells everyone she regards it as her solemn duty to employ as many as possible when times are so hard."

-- Joke submitted by Emma Costa   [Jokes]



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A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it.

Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 mph highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde: "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts trying to get out of the child-proofed locks car.

Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde: "Oh... I guess that means we just got off of highway 129".

-- Joke submitted by pilate   [Jokes]



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A husband and wife were having a petty argument. Finally, the wife said: "I'll admit I'm wrong if you'll admit I'm right."

Her husband agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"OK. I admit it. I'm wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're absolutely right!"

-- Joke submitted by Clara Bona   [Jokes]



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Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters

1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal...

-- Joke submitted by Doug Lindham   [Jokes]



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An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Alec!" yelled the teacher, "you've done nothing. Why?"

"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!"

-- Joke submitted by yoy   [Jokes]



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Some Words Of Wisdom

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

When everything's coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

-- Joke submitted by Irma Mendez   [Jokes]



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Alternative Affirmations for the New Year

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.

6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.

8. I am at one with my duality.

9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.

10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future?

16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.

17. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

-- Joke submitted by Susan Oster   [Jokes]



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The Top 15 Hassles of Being a Cult Leader

1. Don't get to pick who will play you in Movie of the Week after you're dead.

2. Do you think there's a "Self-Appointed Son of God" discount at the movies? Well I'll tell you, pal, there's not.

3. Between grappling with the mysteries of the universe, deflowering new child-brides, and dodging phone calls from Reno, you can't keep track of your soaps!

4. Swastika on forehead makes getting good service at the deli a little dicey.

5. When the crowds disperse, the repeated chanting of your name is left behind and your mom calls to remind you that you're really just an inconsiderate slob who can't even remember the birthday of the woman who nurtured him in the womb for nine long months.

6. After you 'let' them live at your compound and give you all of their money, they expect to be fed, too!

7. Requests to FBI to play something "more danceable" on siege loudspeakers are constantly ignored.

8. Having to show ID after signing checks "The Messiah."

9. Those annoying, cute teenage girls who don't give a damn about your self-made religion but just want to sleep with you all the time.

10. That damned Kevorkian always gets to your followers before you can.

11. The FBI cuts the cable off during seiges.

12. Getting snubbed in the debates was bad enough, but when your own followers start to call you "a short, big-eared, maniacal crackpot" it *really* pisses you off.

13. Marrying 31 wives and doing the math on the PMS schedule.

14. Finding able disciples who can recruit rich, attractive young women as well as today's political operatives do.

15. Keeping out of the news.

-- Joke submitted by Eddie   [Jokes]



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