Jokes

Posted on 13 March 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

One Monday evening Jessica found her husband Mike with his head cocked looking at their baby's cot. Silently she watched him. As Mike twisted and turned looking at at their infant, Jessica could see on Mike's face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, joy, surprise, enchantment and skepticism.

Mike did not usually show his emotions and his unusual display brought tears to her eyes. Jessica put her her arm around her husband and asked, "A penny for your thoughts."

"It's amazing!" Mike replied, "I just can't work out how Kiddicare are able to make a cot like that for only $49.99."

-- Joke submitted by green been   [Jokes]



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Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A: It's Christmas, Eve!

Q: How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day?
A: Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve!

Q: What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
A: The letter "D"!

Q: What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
A: Santa Claustrophobia!

Q: What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Black mail!

Q: Who delievers cat's Christmas presents?
A: Santa Paws!

Q: Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?
A: Because it soots him!

Q: Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
A: Elephanta Claus!

Q: How many chimney does Father Christmas go down?
A: Stacks!

Q: Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve?
A: Because he's Sooty!

-- Joke submitted by Rusa Kimbersa   [Jokes]



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"Can anyone tell me," asked the teacher, "why the Middle Ages are often called the Dark Ages?"

Sally raised her hand and shouted, "Because they had so many knights?"

-- Joke submitted by Keira Tooker   [Jokes]



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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, and asked, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"

-- Joke submitted by Victoria Bartlett   [Jokes]



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Teacher: Billy stop making ugly faces at other students.

Billy: Why?

Teacher: Well, when I was your age, I was told that if I kept making ugly faces, my face would stay that way.

Billy: Well, I can see you didn't listen.

-- Joke submitted by Jennifer Kent   [Jokes]



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They met on the Internet -- it was love at first site.

-- Joke submitted by tar-tar   [Jokes]



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How to Have Fun at a Boring Party

1. Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce.

2. Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new.

3. When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings - make sure to use your hands!

4. Ask the host, "Who threw this cheesy party, anyway?"

5. Turn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the better!

6. Bring a novel and curl up in a corner with it.

7. Cough all over guests, then exclaim, "Doctor says a few more years and I'll be cured..."

8. Hang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions.

9. Play a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech (singing a lullaby works okay, too).

10. If there is music, mix up your dancing: break dance to classical, symphony conductor hand waves to techno music.

11. If you find your former dancing partner dancing with someone else, burst into tears, wailing, "I thought you loved me!" and run from the room.

12. Tell a middle-aged wife, "Your husband seems very happy with that girl in the closet..."

13. Tell a middle aged man, "Your wife seems very happy with that boy in the closet..."

14. Whisper to the guest on your right, "What kind of lame moron actually goes to these parties, anyway?"

15. Bring Lego warships and fighter jets. Wage a war in the middle of the room. Urge other guests to get involved. If you are a historical expert, reenact the revolutionary war, the civil war, world war two, etc.

16. Bring a soccer ball, basketball, football, or baseball. Start a game... in the kitchen.

17. Karate chop everywhere and everything. Yell really, really loud. A few sudden kicks would be worthwhile as well.

18. Wear wool or feathers and sneeze all night. "The doctor says I'm not allergic to anything except sheep and birds..."

19. If someone says the word no to you, say, "How dare you turn down the prince/princess of Ugranialo!"

20. Burst into the room an hour late, sopping wet and screaming, "I've done it! I've found Atlantis!"

21. Pick out the oldest women at the party, run up to her, and exclaim, "Grandmother! it's me, Anastasia!"

22. If it is a summer party in the evening, break into a duet with another guest: "Summer nights". Persuade the host to sing "You're the one that I want," with you.

23. Come in saying, the guy outside in the lab coat is looking for (insert name of host).

-- Joke submitted by Jasmine Voss   [Jokes]



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Confessions of a Teenage Blonde

None of my yoga pants have actually ever been to yoga.

My actual New Year's resolution: look like a Victoria's Secret model.

If pink and glitter were vitamins I would be the healthiest person alive.

If it's pink and if it sparkles, I either already own it or I will.

My mind says Victoria's Secret model, but my heart says chocolate, Starbucks, wine.

Too much glitter isn't enough glitter.

I believe shopping is the best calorie burner.

Every time I see a brunette I think, "Bitch please. My straightener is hotter than you."

Pink makes everything pretty.

If you don't love pink, you're wrong.

I can't wear it Friday night if I've already taken a picture in it.

The Holidays require extra glitter.

I wish my hair grew as fast as my nails.

Whenever I get blood work done, the nurse is always surprised to see glitter in the vial.

You can never be too blonde.

You only have one life to live; wear the sequins, fall in love, buy the shoes and never worry about what negative people think.

My blood type is pink glitter.

My closet is full of clothes with the tags still on them but I shop anyways.

I have this fear of wasting a really cute outfit on an insignificant day.

It doesn't matter what time I start getting ready. I am always late.

Things I liked as a little girl: Pink, dressing up, and glitter. Things I like now: Pink, dressing up, and glitter.

My room was clean until I had to figure out what to wear.

I don't see the world in black and white, I see it in pink and glitter.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness obviously never went to Victoria's Secret.

I don't know what you mean by "too much pink".

There should be a Victoria's Secret Fashion Show once a month.

My eyelashes always hit the lenses of my sunglasses.

Christmas would be perfect if it snows pink glitter!

Blonde hair and pink were made for each other.

I don't have too many clothes, I just don't have enough closets.

If it has to rain, can it at least rain glitter?

Studies show that women who wear pink go farther in life.

I am convinced heaven and Victoria's Secret are the same thing.

-- Joke submitted by Funnylady   [Jokes]



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