Jokes

Posted on 12 March 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper.

"This man," he announced, "Called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page was a photo of the 'supposedly' ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

"Wow," he said. "Think of the score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

-- Joke submitted by Hammerbold   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows).

9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights).

8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.

7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials".

6. Family coming to stay with you.

5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling.

4. Buying food you don't normally buy...and in large quantities.

3. Days off from work.

2. Candles.

1 And...at some point you know you're going to have a tree/branches in your house.

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

-- Joke submitted by Philip Waltern   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband.

"I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."

"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away."

"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."

He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"

"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George'."

-- Joke submitted by Tina Hoggins   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"Twenty-two," Kowalski replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.

The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong.

The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

-- Joke submitted by John Petkin   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


"Now my motto in life," said the school chaplain, "is work hard, play hard and pray hard. How about you, Harriet?"

"My motto is let bygones be bygones."

"That's good. Why did you choose that?"

"So I wouldn't have to take any history classes!"

-- Joke submitted by Umanya   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Ten reasons why TV is better than the world-wide web

1. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

2. When was the last time you tuned in to "Friends" and got a "Not Found 404" message?

3. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV–even on MTV.

4. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

5. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

6. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

7. "CSI" never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

8. You just can't find those cool infomercials on the Web.

9. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to cable.

10. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a soda in one hand and chips in the other.

-- Joke submitted by Ella Wood   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Unavoidable Laws Of Life

1. When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)

2. A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)

3. When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban)

4. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law)

5. When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law)

6. If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas)

7. Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence)

8. You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling)

9. Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)

10. If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland)

11. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed)

12. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop)

13. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of ogolly gee!)

14. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo.(The donking principle)

15. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of fatal irreversibility)

16. Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of de lay)

17. Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Theory of absolute certainty)

-- Joke submitted by clone   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5