Jokes

Posted on 11 March 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Husband: I won't be able to sleep after wards.

Wife: I can't sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Wife: Because I'm hot.

Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.

Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Wife: You don't love me anymore.

Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)

Husband: Alright, I'll do it.

Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Husband: I can't find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.

Husband: There. Are you satisfied?

Wife: Oh, yes, honey.

Husband: Is it up far enough?

Wife: Oh, that's fine.

Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The shop assistant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

He said to his manager, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

-- Joke submitted by Joe Gurney   [Jokes]



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Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband kept under their bed.

The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't.

In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, "Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?"

He replied, "Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box." Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.

"But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?" she asked.

"Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold it."

-- Joke submitted by Jasmine Voss   [Jokes]



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An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.

"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"

The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.

He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "So this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!"

-- Joke submitted by Nora   [Jokes]



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There are many "pinot" wines on the market: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio are but a few.

There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older man has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as .... Pinot More.

-- Joke submitted by John Petkin   [Jokes]



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It Might Be Redneck Love If

Your definition of "getting lucky" is finding a lottery ticket in your wife's jeans.

You met your wife on The Jerry Springer Show.

The most romantic moment in your life was captured on a security camera.

Your wedding reception was a tailgate party.

If you've ever given your date flowers you stole from a cemetery.

You've ever french-kissed within five feet of a dumpster.

You had your anniversary dinner at the food court in the mall.

In preparation for a romantic evening, you stop by the grocery store for a bottle of Mr. Bubble.

You've ever hot-wired a motel vibrating bed.

You have to roll up your sleeve and look at your arm to spell your wife's name.

You've ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Your honeymoon hotel advertised "Truckers welcome."

You're making "rabbit ears" behind the bride in your wedding photos.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You carried your bride over the threshold in a fork lift.

-- Joke submitted by Tim Linscott   [Jokes]



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A man said to his daughter to get the milk while he went to get the paper. The milkman arrived and said to the girl:

"Would you sleep with me for 1000 pints of milk?"

"Yes," she replies.

"What about 2000 pints and I have some extras?"

"No," was her answer.

So her father comes home and says: "Have you got the milk yet?"

And she calls down the stairs to him: "Oh yeah, I'm doing it!"

-- Joke submitted by Trango   [Jokes]



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Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. The first accountant finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. Very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two other accountants, he says, "At KPMG, we are trained to be extremely thorough".

The second accountant finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says, "At Ernst & Young, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient".

The third accountant finished and walks straight for the door. "At Arthur Andersen, we don't pee on our hands".

-- Joke submitted by Leo Chowne   [Jokes]



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