Jokes

Posted on 10 March 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

This guy walks into a bar and goes up to a man sitting at the bar.

He says, "I just f**ked your mother and I did it in your bed and I f**ked her doggie style and I even made her give me a bl**job. What do you think about that?"

The other guy says, "Shut up Dad, you're drunk again."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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"My girl, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis," mumbles an angry biker to one of his buddies.

"No," says the friend, "people don't die of syphilis anymore."

The angry biker replies, "They do when they give it to me!"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Dear Management,

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I don't get paid overtime.
7. I work in the dark that has no proper ventilation.
8. I work in high temperatures.
9. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

1. You don't work 8 hours straight.
2 You fall asleep on the job after brief periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management
team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area and are often
seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the work place rather messy at the end of your
shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,
such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work before you
have completed the assigned task.
11. As if that were not all, you have been constantly entering
and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious
looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

-- Joke submitted by L. Scott   [Jokes]



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A wife woke up from her night's sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.

"I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks in this place," she began, "the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20."

"How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband.

"Those they gave away," she replied tongue in cheek.

"I had a dream too," started the husband. "I dreamed they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!"

"And how much for the ones like mine?" inquired the wife to her husband.

"That's where they held the auction," he replied.

-- Joke submitted by Langoose   [Jokes]



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Dave was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Adam, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," Dave replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Adam said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law. "

"Yeah, sure," Dave answered. "But not everybody gets theirs pregnant!"

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying: "She's not my wife, she's not my wife, she's not my wife..."

His funeral service will be held on Friday.

-- Joke submitted by Doug Lanning   [Jokes]



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On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close to keep warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says, "I had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick."

The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick."

The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing."

-- Joke submitted by razer22   [Jokes]



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What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 30 centimeter dick?

Nothing... They all make your eyes water.

-- Joke submitted by neeek   [Jokes]



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