Jokes

Posted on 20 February 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

Bystander: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father.

Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced.

A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless.

"Where have you been?" asked the man.

"I can't believe you left me down there! I couldn't get the tailgate open!"

-- Joke submitted by Seleen   [Jokes]



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A blonde was eating her dinner when there was a ring at her phone. She answered it to find a telemarketer on the line. She told him politely that she didn't want it and hung up.

She went back to dinner, and not long after, the telemarketer called again. "Take me off your list and have a nice day," she told him.

Ten minutes later, the same telemarketer called back. "Listen, stop calling me and take me off your list!" she screamed into the phone.

She returned to the phone a moment later with a note that she stuck to the phone. It read, "NO SOLICITING."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

-- Joke submitted by cadet burger   [Jokes]



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Gilbert: My doctor advised me to exercise with dumbbells.

Thomas: So?

Gilbert: Care to join me in the gym?

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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Ponderables

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

3. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

4. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

5. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in the car he sticks his head out the window.

6. Haver you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

7. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

8. The statistics on sanity are that one of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

9. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

10. I'm pretty sure that 'bingo' is better than logic but I can't prove it.

-- Joke submitted by BadStudent   [Jokes]



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Punography

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

-- Joke submitted by hword   [Jokes]



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"Whom would you like to invite for your upcoming wedding ceremony?" Father asked his son.

"All except you and mom," the son replied.

"But why?" Father angrily shouted.

"Had you bothered to invite me for your ceremony?!" the son pleaded.

-- Joke submitted by k_grek   [Jokes]



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