Jokes

Posted on 10 February 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

An English teacher reminds her students of the written test in her class tomorrow:

"Now, I don't want anyone to miss this important finals exam! I will not tolerate any excuse whatsoever for your absence--unless of course you had to go to the hospital because of a serious injury, or someone died in your immediate family."

Just after she spoke, a wise ass in the back of the class exclaims: "Well, what if I were to tell you that I didn't show up for the test because I experienced complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The students in the class try to suppress their snickers and muffled laughter.

The teacher looks sympathetically towards the young man, smiles slyly and states: "Well, then...you'll have to write with your other hand".

-- Joke submitted by xkpoehimol   [Jokes]



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Girl: Baby I am wet.

Boy: Want a paper towel?

Girl: No, I want more than that.

Boy: Want 2 paper towels?

Girl: No, baby I want something big and round.

Boy: Damn you want the whole roll?

-- Joke submitted by DDomn   [Jokes]



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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the venom down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

-- Joke submitted by Hammerbold   [Jokes]



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A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the state's strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one day, she storms into her boss' office.

"I quit! That's it, I'm not working here anymore!"

"Why?" asks the boss. "What's the problem?"

"I've been working here for so long that I've grown the broom bristles between my legs. I can't take it anymore."

"Listen," the boss says. "That's perfectly normal. Look, I have those too."

"Oh, my goodness!" she exclaims. "It's worse than I thought! You've also grown a broom handle!"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?

A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Dirty Johnny climbs onto Santa's lap at the department store.

Santa says, "I'll bet I know what you want for Christmas." And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, "T-O-Y-S."

The little boy answers, "No, I have enough toys."

Santa tries again, tapping Johnny's nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."

Again, Johnny says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."

"Well, what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y. And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

-- Joke submitted by Caleostro   [Jokes]



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30 Reasons Chocolate Isn't Better Than Sex

1. Eating chocolate in public isn't exciting.

2. You can't ask chocolate to wear leather for you.

3. You can't put wax on chocolate's nipples.

4. Chocolate doesn't make a movie interesting.

5. It doesn't take talent to eat chocolate.

6. If you scream while eating chocolate people think something's wrong.

7. If you have a romantic dinner just to eat chocolate for dessert, your date will think you're an idiot.

8. You can't put handcuffs on chocolate.

9. Chocolate doesn't moan.

10. If you eat chocolate in the shower it will melt.

11. Eating chocolate in a large group isn't any more fun than eating it alone.

12. A magazine about chocolate wouldn't sell.

13. Chocolate won't sell a product, no matter how much of it you use.

14. Chocolate is ‘quality controlled'.

15. Chocolate comes with an expiration date.

16. Too much chocolate will make you sick.

17. There's no challenge in obtaining a bit of chocolate.

18. If you don't want any chocolate people assume something's wrong with you.

19. Mixing chocolate with whipped cream will give you cavities.

20. Chocolate isn't fun to undress.

21. Eating chocolate does nothing for your cardiovascular system.

22. You can't write a book on how to eat chocolate.

23. You can never eat the same chocolate twice.

24. Your mom will scold you about eating chocolate before dinner.

25. You have to wait a half-hour before swimming after eating chocolate.

26. When chocolate gets hot it gets harder to eat.

27. Chocolate makes you fat.

28. Chocolate will kill your dog.

29. It's no fun to wrestle chocolate to the ground.

30. Chocolate doesn't react to being licked.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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