Jokes

Posted on 9 February 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

Never fool around with a Little old lady!

-- Joke submitted by Olenka Krol   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

-- Joke submitted by orto   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A man walks into a store and is looking at the handbags. He picks one up and asks the assistant how much it would cost. The assistant replies "$500 for that one".

Shocked the customer says "$500! Why does it cost so much? It's only small and doesn't look anything special."

The assistant says, "It's the material it's made of."

Confused the customer asks, "What is it made of then?"

The assistant grins and says, "Foreskin. You give it a bit of a rub and a lick and it grows into a suitcase!"

-- Joke submitted by kassandra   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing "On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table.

"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, "...On the road again..."

The M.A. is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!"

-- Joke submitted by Katalon23   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A guy went to the drug store and got a box of condoms.

He found a check out counter with a girl that he thought was really cute. He walked up to her, and said: "Do you know where the fitting rooms are? Oh, and I might need some assistance."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


What To Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex

1. "A little to the left."
2. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend or are you just happy to see me?"
3. "Is there room for two in there?"
4. "Two words: penis extension."
5. Invite others in as a cheering section.
6. Whip out a pen a paper and take notes.
7. "Maybe it would help if you..."
8. "That's what you call erect?"
9. "That reminds me of a joke I heard..."
10. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"
11. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plastic?"
12. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."
13. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something stuck in her throat."
14. "May I cut in?"
15. "That's illegal in Arkansas."
16. "Holy whips and chains, Batman."
17. Scream at the top of your lungs. If they ask what's wrong, explain that you thought you were having a nightmare.
18. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.
19. Recite quotes from Condom Month like "Pack your wiener before you bean her" and "Wrap your packer before you wack her."
20. "Mmm...that looks good, I think I'll try some, too."
21. "Let's make a sandwich."
22. "Is that hard enough for you?"
23. "I'm going to the water fountain. Can I get you anything?"
24. "Do you like to eat at the Y?"
25. Pick up your camcorder and say "How much do you think they would pay to see this on Pay-Per-View?"

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A few sex positions you may not know

Chinese Checkers:
Where you jump from hole to hole while jumping holes already filled. A variation can be played with 2 people but it is much more recommended to play with 3+ people. In this game everyone wins.

Top Hat Monocle Position:
A higher class sexual position in which a top hat and monocle are used. The imagination is used to make for a kinky sexual environment. A very passionate and energetic sex position.

WWF Champions:
When your in the 69 position and while a girl is sucking your dick you pick her up from the bed and piledrive her to the ground.

Sex Clown:
The act of suddenly and without warning blowing your load on a woman's breasts and face during sex, followed by a quick honking of her nose. The honking can be done simply for comedic effect, or, as an act of courtesy, to squeeze out any jizz that may have entered her nostrils. NOTE: the person on the receiving end may not put out for weeks after experiencing the sex clown.

Omega Position:
A sex move that collapses space-time to a single point which then expands and cools to form a new universe. (That's why they call it the 'big bang'.)

Simon Sex:
Having sex while the chosen partner, "Simon" gets to shout out different positions, and the other partner has less then 30 seconds to perform. Gets progressively tougher. If they fail they get punished (some people play to lose).

Rodeo Position:
When a man has sex with his woman in the Doggy Position, leans over and says, "You know, your sister likes this position too." And tries to hang on for 8 seconds.

Canada's History:
The most gruesome sex act in the kama sutra that usually involves maple syrup, at least one moose, a duck, the Stanley Cup, and as many beavers as you'd like. This sex position is less popular than most others mainly because it is stickier than most, but is still gaining popularity in certain regions.

The Pirate:
While a man and woman are having sex, the man kicks the woman in the shin and cums in her eye. This causes her to yell "Arrrrr" and then wear an eye patch.

Meatloaf Pie Snatcher:
Quite possibly the only sex position ever known to get the red-headed cowboy off. At times taking up to 14 hours to complete, one must have the utmost stamina to perform the task. This is not for the light-hearted, as last week's lunch is normally involved. Originated in the heart of North Carolina, the first meatloaf pie snatcher ever performed created the loudest sonic boom, in this case referred to as "quantum stroke," ever recorded. Chuck Norris himself was said to have exclaimed, "damn, man!" To compete, Chuck then invented the Potroast Poledance, but no normal human has since replicated the feat, and the first three women involved perished, and roundhouse kicking may have been a factor.

-- Joke submitted by BBL   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5