Jokes

Posted on 8 February 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

-- Joke submitted by kassandra   [Jokes]



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Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow.

"How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

-- Joke submitted by Frank Solorio   [Jokes]



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A lady with a frog stuck to her head comes to the doctor's office.

When the doctor asked her what's wrong the frog says, "I got something stuck to my ass!"

-- Joke submitted by Heather Fraser   [Jokes]



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On the border of West Virginia and Pennsylvania there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Yankee farmer, while the other half belongs to a Redneck.

One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Yankee comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Redneck neighbor.

"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest."

"How do you know it's one of my wolves?" the Redneck asked.

"Well," the Yankee replied, "he's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped."

-- Joke submitted by Brian Kerr   [Jokes]



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A man and his wife were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner.

The man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the three had even bothered to bring a gift. After the meal, for which he had been given the check, he took them aside.

"You're all grown men," he began, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."

"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say that we're all bastards?"

"As a matter of fact, yes." snapped the Father. "And cheap ones at that!"

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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Two duck hunters ran into one another early one morning. One of them noticed that the other's dog was just sitting there, with absolutely no interest in retrieving any of the fowl his master had downed.

"What's wrong with your dog?" the first hunter asked. "The last time I saw you two he was one of the best bird dogs I had ever seen!"

"Well," the other hunter replied, "His name is Lawyer. He used to run all over creation, working hard to get the job done. Then one day someone made the mistake of calling him Judge. Now all he does is sit on his ass and bark."

-- Joke submitted by xtofer   [Jokes]



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Things you'll never hear from a Redneck

1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed that to the dog."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No kids in the back of the pick-up...it's not safe."
8. "Professional wresslin's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."
14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."
15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."
16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."
18. "Trim the fat off that steak."
19. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."
20. "The tires on that truck are too big."
21. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
22. "I've got it all on a DVD disk."
23. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
24. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
25. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."
26. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
27. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
28. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."
29. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."
30. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."
31. "Elvis who?"
32. "Checkmate."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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New Breeds of Dogs

The following breeds are now being considered for recognition by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu
Bull Shih Tzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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