Jokes

Posted on 7 February 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked,"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Father: "Why did you fail your mathematics test?"

Son: "On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8."

Father: "So?"

Son: "On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8... If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?"

-- Joke submitted by Kira Lang   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Justin: I played soccer yesterday and sprained my leg. That's why I was absent from school.

Teacher: Of all the lame excuses!

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Real Estate Agent: "This tobacco plantation is a bargain. I don't see why you hesitate. What are you worrying about?"

Prospective but Inexperienced Purchaser: "I was just wondering whether I should plant cigars or cigarettes."

-- Joke submitted by Pinkerton   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks are provided only on request."

"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."

"True," the waiter shot back, "but we'd have to hire three more people to sweep the floor."

-- Joke submitted by Dr. Greene   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Thoughts To Ponder

1. Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?

2. If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?

3. Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it.

4. If a lesbian has sex with other women but never with another man is she still considered a virgin?

5. If its 11:30 PM Dec 31 in Texas and 12:30 AM Jan 1st in New York and you have a New York driver's license that expires Jan 2007, does that mean your license has expired?

6. If a transvestite goes missing, would you put their face on a carton of Half and Half?

7. When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

8. Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?

9. If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?

10. Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?

11. Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

12. If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?

13. Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?

14. Why do people say beans beans the magical fruit when beans are vegetables?

15. If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?

-- Joke submitted by Paul Clark   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Miscellaneous thoughts

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese - think about this one.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I almost had a psychic boyfriend but he left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried snorting Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

-- Joke submitted by Keith Zheng   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


When a girl's answer to the question "Is he your boyfriend now?" in front of her other girlfriends ~ "He's just a friend"
Interpretation: You are just a friend!

When a girl's answer to the question "Is he your boyfriend?" in front of other people ~ "No! We're just friends, really."
Interpretation: You are nobody!

When a girl's answer to the question "Is he your boyfriend?" in front of her work mates ~ "I just met him a few months ago."
Interpretation: You're not even on her mind

When a girl's answer to the question "Is he your boyfriend?" in front of her mom ~ "He's a friend. He's nice to me."
Interpretation: You can never set foot in her house ever!

When a girl's answer to the question "Is he your boyfriend?" in front of another guy ~ "He's just another friend."
Interpretation: The girl likes the other guy! haha

When a girl's answer to a text message from another guy "Is he your boyfriend?" ~ "We're just friends."
Interpretation: Inside a girl's mind "Better make a move or you'll stay in the friend zone too..." haha

When a girl's answer to the question "Are you a couple already?" in front of the guy's best friend ~ (smile..............)
Interpretation: I like what he's doing to me. I'll keep him a little longer then dump him when you're not looking haha

-- Joke submitted by Dreyfuss Konigg   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5