Jokes

Posted on 29 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, "Hi there handsome. How are you doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off.

"Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife.

"Just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor.

"Oh yeah?" snarled his wife, "In whose profession? Yours or hers?"

-- Joke submitted by Pat Moreno   [Jokes]



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One day a young prince from a nearby kingdom came by for a visit.

That night, after everyone had gone to bed, the prince snuck out of his room and entered the princess' room.

She said, "What are you doing in my room? Leave immediately or I will call my father!"

The Prince said, "Don't be frightened. I am not going to hurt you. You are so beautiful. I just want to kiss you and hold you."

He kissed her lips and here and there and everywhere. Soon he had gone where no man had gone before. They were enthusiastically doing the nasty.

After he finished, he rolled over and relaxed.

She said, "Wow! That was fun. Let's do it again."

He climbed back in the saddle for seconds. Then again rolled over and relaxed.

She said, "That was so good. We have to do it again."

He wasn't very enthusiastic, but he just managed to rise again to the occasion. He then rolled over and again tried to relax.

She said, "Come on, let's do it again."

The prince said, "Leave me alone or I will call your father."

-- Joke submitted by caraman   [Jokes]



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The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible.

"Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."

"I see," chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."

-- Joke submitted by Ben Ellis   [Jokes]



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A young lad went to a tailor shop in Scotland. He told the tailor, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here, and if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings."

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of material left over. Take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

The lad rushed home and donned his kilt. He decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to wear his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, y'ell really like what's underneath," he bragged as he lifted his kilt.

"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

-- Joke submitted by Ian Duncan   [Jokes]



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Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."

-- Joke submitted by yellowtail   [Jokes]



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An army man took leave from his job for two months because his wife was expecting. He did not declare the real reason for his leave. But within a month of his leave he was called back to his post because of some emergency on the border. There was still one month to his wife's delivery.

While leaving for his posting, he instructed a smart little boy from his neighbor: "Look here kid, here, have some money. When the baby comes, send me a telegram from our post office. And remember don't mention anything about the new arrival. Just write 'cycle arrived safely' OK?"

Boy: "Why uncle?"

Army man: "Because I will have to treat the entire unit. They will be after me for a party. You just mention what I have said and I will get the message." And he left for his posting.

After a month he received a telegram: "Cycle arrived safely, front tire punctured."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A mushroom walked into a dance club and asked this girl to dance.

She replied, "Are you kidding? You are a mushroom!"

And the mushroom replied, "Oh come on. I am a FUN GUY!"

-- Joke submitted by zarrap   [Jokes]



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Top Ten Reasons Why It's Great to Be a Dog

1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.

4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.

6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

-- Joke submitted by Serenity   [Jokes]



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