Jokes

Posted on 28 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A young lady whom thought she was overweight went to see a dietitian. She walked into his office and asked several questions about dieting, exercise, and other things. Her final question to the dietitian sparked interest in him. She asked, "How many calories are in sperm?"

"Why?" he replied. She explained some of the things she liked to do.

After thinking a minute he said, "I really have no clue, but if you are consuming that much of it, then no guy is going to care if you are a little chunky!"

-- Joke submitted by Joe Perry   [Jokes]



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One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!"

The goblin replies, "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?"

The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in."

The goblin replies, "OK, you've got it."

Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes."

"OK, you've got that too."

"My last wish is a million dollars!"

The goblin says, "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me."

"OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?"

"I'm 27", she replies.

"Oh my," says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins?"

-- Joke submitted by Kevin S.   [Jokes]



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Dumb Parents

Found my son and his girlfriend naked in his room. Sex-ed is so advanced now, they also give homework!

I heard my daughter tell her friend she ate her boyfriend's cock last night. Last time I checked she didn't like chicken for dinner!

My son and his friends are great. They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home!

My husband is so thoughtful...I overheard him say he gave his secretary a cream pie.

My son's black friends always ask me if I can "make it clap"...of course I can. All I need is two hands.

My daughter's boyfriend always checks her for breast cancer...How considerate.

My son's black friends must be bad at basketball...They keep talking about how they want to double team me.

My son used a whole box of tissues last week ... He must be really sick.

My son wants to make video games when he grows up. So it's important he plays as much as he can to learn.

My son is in his room watching "human reproduction videos" for his science class.

I put the oregano in my sons room all over my spaghetti and now everything has been so funny for me.

My son's friend said he wanted to get "stoned"...What a horrible way to die. Why would he say that?

My son sent a text to his girlfriend saying "I'm gonna tear that pussy up". He's grounded! Animal abuse is NOT tolerated in this household!

I think my daughter secretly loves star wars, I found a vibrating light saber under her bed!

I swear bugs fly near my head just to watch me slap myself.

My son is always tending to his in-home garden...I never understood why he grows his plants in the closet though.

My daughter is such a great tutor...Every boy in school is always leaving her room with a big smile on their face.

My son and his friend always talk about getting that weed, never knew they took gardening so seriously.

My sons friend keep asking me if my back door is open. They must love the new pool!

My husband has been coming home late because he's been training his new secretary. He's so considerate.

My son always deletes the history on his laptop...He's always thinking of ways to make it run faster! Smart boy.

-- Joke submitted by green been   [Jokes]



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Two guys are supposed to meet at 4:30. Charley shows up at 4:30 and waits. Finally, at almost 5:00, Paul shows up.

Charley says, "Where have you been? You're a 1/2 hour late.

Paul replies, "Sorry, I had to go to the dentist. My dick's been hurting bad."

Charley says, "If your dick's been hurting, why did you go to the dentist?"

Paul answers, "Because I had a tooth stuck in it."

-- Joke submitted by Oosen   [Jokes]



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Q: What's the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?

A: They both get screwed on the front of cars.

-- Joke submitted by Deliffinel   [Jokes]



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Q: What two men's hobbies require the most hand-eye coordination?

A: Video games and porn.

-- Joke submitted by wondermind   [Jokes]



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"Hey, there's a dikfer on your forehead?"

"A what?"

"A dikfer."

"What's a dikfer?"

"Well, if you don't know I'm not gonna tell you."

-- Joke submitted by quells   [Jokes]



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Funny Acronyms

A.D.I.D.A.S. = All Day I Dream About Soccer
B.I.T.C.H.= Boastful Individual That Creates Haters
B.M.W. = Big Money Waster
B.O.Y.S. = Being Obnoxious Youthful Souls
B.O.S.S. = Built On Self Success
C.L.A.S.S. = Come Late And Start Sleeping
C.S.I. = Cannot Stop Investigating!
D.I.L.D.O. = Daringly Inserting Large Disgusting Objects
D.I.E.T. = Do I Eat Today?
D.R.A.M.A. = Dumb Retards Asking for More Attention.
F.I.N.A.L.S.= Fuck, I Never Actually Learned Shit
F.I.S.H.= Fuck It, Shit Happens
F.L.U. = Fluids Leaking Unstoppably
F.O.R.D. = Fix Or Repair Daily
F.Y.I. = Fuck You Idiot!
F.U.B.A.R. = F**ked Up Beyond All Recognition
F.U.C.K. = Fornicate Under Command of the King
G.R.E.A.T. = Get Really Excited About Today
H.A.T.E.R.S = Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success
H.O.P.E. = Hold On, Pain Ends
I.D.G.A.F.= I Don't Give Away Food
K.I.A. = Korean Imported Abortion
L.A.D.Y. G.A.G.A. = Like All Damaged Youths, Great At Getting Attention L.A.M.E. = Laughable And Mildly Entertaining
L.I.F.E. = Living Isn't Freaking Easy
L.I.V.E. = Learning Important Values Everyday
L.O.V.E. = Loss Of Valuable Energy
M.A.I.D = Mother Actually In Disguise
M.A.N.A.G.E.R. = Meaningless A**hole Needlessly Activating General Employee Resentment
M.A.T.H. = Mental Abuse to Humans
M.C.D.O.N.A.L.D. = Making Children Diners Order Nuggets And Large Drinks N.A.S.C.A.R. = Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks
P.I.G. = Pretty Insensitive Guy/Girl
P.M.S. = Psychotic Mood Shift
P.O.O.R. = Passing Over Opportunities Repeatedly
P.O.R.S.C.H.E. = Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything P.R.O.M.I.S.E.S. = People Really Only Make It Sound Extra Simple S.A.A.B. = Sad Attempt At Beauty
S.C.H.O.O.L. = Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Life
S.I.N.G.L.E = Stress Is Now Gone, Life's Easier
S.M.I.L.E. = Showing Miracle In Little Effort
S.P.A.M. = Seriously, Poor Advertising Method!
S.T.R.E.S.S = Shit To Remember Every Single Second
S.W.A.G = She Wants A Gentleman
T.E.A.M. = Together Everyone Achieves More
T.H.O.R. = The Hammer's Over Rated
T.S.A. = Touching Sensitive Areas
T.W.I.T.T.E.R. = Things Which I Type That Everyone Reads
U.S.B. = Ultral Small Balls/Boobs
V.O.D.K.A. = Very Overpowering Drink, Killing Agony
V.O.L.V.O. = Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
W.A.T.E.R. = Wonderful And Totally Energizing Refreshment
W.E.I.R.D.= Wonderful Exciting Interesting Real Different
W.I.F.E. = Washing, Ironing, Feeding, Etc.
W.O.M.E.N. = Want One Man Every Night
W.T.F. = Worse Than Failure

-- Joke submitted by Ella Sims   [Jokes]



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