Jokes

Posted on 27 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear - no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

-- Joke submitted by solder stu   [Jokes]



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A woman was on trial for killing her husband. All the jurors but one voted to convict her. The one juror was so determined that the woman should be found innocent that she eventually was able to change the mind of all the others, and they all voted "not guilty."

Afterwards, the juror who had held out for the innocent vote was questioned by reporters, who asked her how she could have been so certain the woman on trial was innocent. She replied, "Well, I don't know. I guess I just felt sorry for her. After all, she is a widow."

-- Joke submitted by Barbara Walker   [Jokes]



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A member of the country club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

"It takes considerable time and technique," replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful," said the member. "I know that my kid sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" asked the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."

-- Joke submitted by Rani Andrew   [Jokes]



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Sara: Gee, you smell good. What have you got on?

Dave: Clean socks.

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week.

Little Billy got up to read his. "My Dad fell in the well last week..." he began.

"Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Jones, the teacher. "Is he all right now?"

"He must be," said little Billy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

-- Joke submitted by baks   [Jokes]



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A man requires surgery to remove his left leg. He consults with the surgeon. Plans are made for surgery the next morning.

Morning comes and the surgeon arrives intoxicated from a night on the town. He removes the left leg only after mistakenly removing the right. Needless to say the patient, after recovering, saw a lawyer.

The lawyer told him he couldn't win, because he didn't have a leg to stand on.

-- Joke submitted by law-n-don   [Jokes]



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10 Ways to Get to Leave You Alone

You know how occasionally you'll have people over, and they won't shut up and they whole visit is getting a little tedious? Or you'll be talking to this incredibly boring person who is too sensitive to tell to go away? Well, here is a solution to that boring-person-who-just-will-not-leave-you-alone.

1. Close your eyes and lean your head on their shoulder. Snort and drool slightly, and when they pause jerk back up and ask, "What did I miss?"

2. Sneeze. Inhale deeply and for a long time then do an extended, "AH-AH-AH-" and finally end in a big, "Achoo!" Aim at the person. Wipe your nose with the palm of your hand then pat them on the shoulder and say, "Don't you just hate allergies?"

3. Stare down at your feet the whole time, then when they seem to be losing steam, look them straight in the eye and say, "You're one of them, but send them this message: I WILL NOT SURRENDER." Then look back down at your feet.

4. Interrupt them by poking their nose. Then wipe your finger on their cheek and tell them that they, "feel squishy."

5. Attempt to get them to lead in a round of, "If you're happy and you know it..."

6. Grab both of their hands in yours and start ballroom dancing while humming really loudly.

7. Growl softly slowly getting louder and louder and louder. Culminate with a bark.

8. Collapse on the floor.

9. Jump up and down non-stop. Smile insanely and hyperventilate.

10. Say, "bye-bye, I have to go now."

And hey, if these don't work, improvise, or leave the room very quickly.

-- Joke submitted by Craig   [Jokes]



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