Jokes

Posted on 24 February 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand."

"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman. "But, she's much better!"

-- Joke submitted by Ian D.   [Jokes]



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The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life

1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide."

3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown."

4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"

6. The banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em."

8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck.

"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.

"Good, Mary," miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?"

"How about a lollipop!" said Steven.

"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!" the teacher said.

Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!"

The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"

"Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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How do you know your wife is getting old?

When you say to her, "Let's go upstairs and have sex" and she says "I can't do both."

-- Joke submitted by ch-ch-cheese   [Jokes]



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Things to do in a Public Restroom

1. Comment "Pooh, who did that?"
2. Complement people on their shoes.
3. Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up a conversation.
4. Provide 'strenuous' sound-effects.
5. Ask the person in the next stall if there's anything swimming in their bowl.....
6. Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives.
7. Scream "Oh my gosh! What the is THAT?"
8. Simulate a drug deal.
9. Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects).
10. Start a sing-a-long.
11. Act schizophrenically.
12. Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask if they are busy....
13. Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.
14. Ask loudly "When does the movie start?"
15. Write 'nerdy' graffitti like "Please wash your hands. Thank you."
16. Kick in stall doors, camera in hand.
17. Pour water over the stall door onto occupant.
18. Say "Oops... missed" while syringing water out around the bowl and under the walls and door into other stalls.
19. Rub chocolate on your hands, reach under the door and say, "Hey buddy. Got any toilet paper?
20. At night, switch off the lights.
21. Run around naked yelling "Where's the fish?"
22. Collect a door charge.
23. Ask "Is there a doctor in the house?"
24. Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python/axolotl.
25. Write essay questions on the toilet paper.
26. Offer refreshments.
27. Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sand paper.
28. Run in, yelling "Free Willy!"
29. Charge admission.
30. Electrify metal urinals.
31. Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl.
32. Place a sign advertising "Driver's side airbags" as standard.
33. Remove stall doors.
34. Glue seat and cover down to bowl.
35. Place signs warning of 24 hour video surveillance.
36. Make stall doors lockable only from the OUTSIDE.
37. Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl.
38. Replace soap in dispenser with custard.
39. Replace condoms in vending machine with tampons (or vice versa).
40. Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette.

-- Joke submitted by itisthedude   [Jokes]



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Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus.

The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain.

The second lady looks at that and says, "That's such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?"

"It's a condom," The first lady replies.

"Well, where can you buy those?" the second lady asks.

"Um... Most people buy them at pharmacies," the first lady replies.

So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter.

"Do you guys sell those condom things?" she asks the pharmacist.

"Why yes we do," the pharmacist says a little confused, "Do you know what size you need?"

So the lady says, "Well it's got to fit a Camel."

-- Joke submitted by Eddie Bert   [Jokes]



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A man is sunbathing with nothing but a hat covering his willy. Two women walked passed and said, "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat."

He replied, "If you weren't so damn ugly it would have lift itself."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little action and he goes up to the house owner and asks, "Hey, can I get a piece from one of your fine ladies you've got here?"

"Sorry sir," the owner responds, "but, we're all full."

"Aw, please I really need some poon tang!"

And the owner answers, "Well, there is one girl left but when you go meet her you have to wear this black condom."

"Whatever," the man answers quickly and races upstairs.

A few hours later the man comes down and says, "Wow, that was great. She didn't even make any noise. But why did I have to wear the black condom?"

The owner answers, "Respect for the dead."

-- Joke submitted by Amster   [Jokes]



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