Jokes

Posted on 24 May 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"

His dad replies, "Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capitalisms. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his diaper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while capitalisms is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

-- Joke submitted by Tom Hart   [Jokes]



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Doctor: I'd like to take your appendix out tomorrow.

Patient: Well, okay, but make sure you get it home by eleven.

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells, "Give me a Budweiser, or...!" Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser.

This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.

"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"

"O-o-o-o-r-r-r... w-w-what?" stammers the bartender.

"A small Coke."

-- Joke submitted by Ro   [Jokes]



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The seven stages of life

1 day - 5 yrs: We experience many spills.
6 yrs - 16 yrs: We pick up many skills .
17 - 20 yrs: We undergo many drills.
21 - 25 yrs: We discover many thrills.
26 - 40 yrs: We have to pay many bills.
41 - 60 yrs: We suffer many ills.
61 - 75 yrs: We have to take many pills.
76 yrs and more: We worry about our wills.

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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A blonde was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".

After much thought he wrote: "YES".

-- Joke submitted by Kate Lordner   [Jokes]



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What is Marriage

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence -- a life sentence.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

-- Joke submitted by Peter Lovato   [Jokes]



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50 Things To Do In Mall

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.

4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream ‘MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!’

6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.

8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King..

9. ..but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they’re ‘astronaut food’.

10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton’s around while reading aloud from ‘Dianetics.’

11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, ‘You mean you really can’t see it?’

13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.

16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

17. If you’re patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

18. Sprint up the down escalator.

19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the ‘hidden picture’.

20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them.

24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.

27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, ‘I see London, I see France..’

30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

31. Play the tuba for change.

32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play ‘Jesus Built My Hotrod’.

33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will ‘give you a really wicked buzz’.

35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have ‘any giant crap made out of straw’.

36. ‘Toast’ plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.

39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing ‘Saved by the Bell’. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling ‘scratch one flattop!’

41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are ‘leakproof’.

42. ‘Play’ the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they’re real.

45. If it’s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.

46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say ‘Domino’s.’

47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.

48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

49. Show people your driver’s license and demand to know ‘whether they’ve seen this man.’

50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn’t turned blue yet.

-- Joke submitted by kember   [Jokes]



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