Jokes

Posted on 21 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "They're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied, "They're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "Well, last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick.

"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table."

"Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.

He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts f**king her from behind.

David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!!!"

The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, "I know, it's f**king magic."

-- Joke submitted by Trevor Nez   [Jokes]



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A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"

-- Joke submitted by wondermind   [Jokes]



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A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost.

Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says, "What's up with your neighbors?"

The owner of the house says, "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go f*ck herself!"

-- Joke submitted by Paon Rees   [Jokes]



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An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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A door-to-door salesman has had a really rough day and decided to try one more house before heading home.

He knocks on the door, determined to make a sale. A small boy opens the door, and the salesman starts in with his sales pitch.

The boy stood there speechless, and the salesman, seeing that he wasn't getting anywhere, asked the boy where his mother was. The boy didn't say a word and just pointed upstairs.

The salesman goes up the stairs, opens the bedroom door and finds the boy's mother in bed with a goat!!

Completely flabbergasted, the salesman slams the door shut and flies down the stairs. He grabs the little boy by the shoulders and yells, "Do you know what's in bed with your mother? Do you know what they're doing? Doesn't this bother you?"

To which the little boy responded, "Na-a-a-a-a-a-a."

-- Joke submitted by JJKlue   [Jokes]



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Dirty Johnny climbs onto Santa's lap at the department store.

Santa says, "I'll bet I know what you want for Christmas." And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, "T-O-Y-S."

The little boy answers, "No, I have enough toys."

Santa tries again, tapping Johnny's nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."

Again, Johnny says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."

"Well, what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y. And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

-- Joke submitted by Caleostro   [Jokes]



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Medical terminology for blondes

Anally - occuring yearly
Artery - study of paintings
Bacteria - back door of cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when treatment fails
Benign - what you be after you be eight
Bowel - A, E, I, O, or U
Caesarian section - district in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - sheep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
Condom - small apartment complex
Congenital - friendly
D+C - where Washington is
Diaphram - drawing in geometry
Diarrhea - journal of daily events
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fallopian Tube - part of a tv set
Fester - quicker
Fetus - character in "Gunsmoke"
Fibula - a small lie
Genitals - people of non-jewish origins
G.I. Series - soldiers' ball game
Grippe - suitcase
Hangnail - coat hook
Impotent - distinguished, well known
Intense pain - torture in a teepee
Labor pain - got hurt at work
Medical staff - doctor's cane
Menopause - button on the VHS remote control
Menstrual cycle - thing with three wheels
Morbid - higher offer
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - person who had fainted
Pap smear - fatherhood test
Pelvis - cousin of Elvis
Post operative - letter carrier
Protein - favoring young people
Rectum - d*mn near killed 'em
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - amorous
Scar - rolled tobacco leaf
Scrotum - small planet near Uranus
Secretion - hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - study of knighthood
Tablet - small tablet
Terminal illness - sickness at airport
Testicles - found on an octopus
Tibia - country in North Africa
Tumor - an extra pair
Umbilical chord - part of a parachute
Urine - opposite of you're out
Vagina - heart trouble
Varicose - located nearby
Vein - conceited
Vulva - automobile from Sweden

-- Joke submitted by Rob Cooney   [Jokes]



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