Jokes

Posted on 19 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A guy who had forgotten the dates for a number of his friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on.

He went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. Finally, he found one where the clerk seemed experienced.

"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" the guy asked.

"Have you tried a wife?" the clerk responded.

-- Joke submitted by Slam S   [Jokes]



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When the salesman dropped in to pay a visit to one of his customers, he found the office empty except for a very large dog who was emptying wastebaskets. Rubbing his eyes, he was certain they must have been playing tricks on him.

"Don't look so surprised," said the dog, "after all, this is part of my job."

"This is amazing!" exclaimed the salesman. "I can't believe it. Does you boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can actually talk!"

"No, no," the dog pleaded, "don't tell him. If he knows I can talk, the next thing you know he'll have me answering the phones too."

-- Joke submitted by TheWhiteRabbit   [Jokes]



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A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said, "Two round trip, three one way."

-- Joke submitted by Yuri Strubin   [Jokes]



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Diane buys a hundred goldfish. There are so many of them that she decides to keep them in her bathtub. One day she invites her friend Lauren over to see all her beautiful goldfish.

Lauren is impressed, and says, "They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?"

Diane replied, "Simple. I just blindfold them!"

-- Joke submitted by Lara Koch   [Jokes]



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How to Bake a Cake

1. Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.

2. Remove blocks and toy cars from table.

3. Grease pan, crack nuts.

4. Measure two cups flour.

5. Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.

6. Remeasure flour.

7. Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.

8. Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.

9. Get another bowl.

10. Answer doorbell.

11. Return to kitchen.

12. Remove baby's hands from bowl.

13. Wash baby.

14. Answer phone.

15. Return.

16. Remove 1/4 inches of salt from greased pan.

17. Look for baby.

18. Grease another pan.

19. Answer telephone.

20. Return to kitchen and find baby.

21. Remove baby's hands from bowl.

22. Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.

23. Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.

24. Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.

25. Call baker.

26. Lie down.

-- Joke submitted by Kibalin   [Jokes]



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While grocery shopping, a single man comes across toilet brushes. "Wow! What a great idea," he thinks to himself and buys three of them.

Two weeks later, however, he goes back to using toilet paper.

-- Joke submitted by Gerry Hangel   [Jokes]



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Nick: How's the fishing around here?

Rick: Fine.

Nick: Then how come you haven't caught anything?

Rick: You asked me about the fishing, not the catching.

-- Joke submitted by Antony Evans   [Jokes]



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A printer consists of 3 main parts:

1. The case
2. The jammed paper tray
3. The blinking red light.

-- Joke submitted by Kaataa   [Jokes]



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