Jokes

Posted on 18 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," the husband said.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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- Hello? Fred's Restaurant.

- Hello! I'd like to know, do you serve crabs?

- We serve anyone, sir! Come on in!

-- Joke submitted by Olivier Pelletier   [Jokes]



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The football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

-- Joke submitted by Joe Perry   [Jokes]



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One night, Peter was home watching TV when his wife entered the room and asked, "If I died, would you remarry?"

Peter thought for a second then said, "Yeah I guess I would".

Then his the wife asked, "Well, would you have her as your golfing partner?"

Peter replied, "Yep I probably would do that too".

"But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?" she cried.

Peter looked at her and said, "Nah, she's left handed."

-- Joke submitted by Daniel Grant   [Jokes]



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A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says, "I'll look for a bug."

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says, "Well, the couple in the room under you complained that the chandelier fell on them."

-- Joke submitted by Steve Collins   [Jokes]



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Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

-- Joke submitted by Rebecca Nash   [Jokes]



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First World Problems

There's never been a hurricane with my name.

No one reblogs or likes what I blog on Tumblr.

It's too hot in my room with the fan off, and too loud with the fan on, so I can't sleep.

Homework is preventing me from doing more productive things.

Where I work is so close to my home that I can't hear a complete song while driving there.

I poured just the right amount of cereal, but there was so little left in the box that I had to pour and eat the rest of it too.

The lowest brightness setting on my iPad is still too bright to read in the dark.

The cleaning lady woke me up.

I just took a shower and now I have to poop.

Amazon is about to start charging me sales tax.

The guy at the fast food drive through is starting to recognize me.

I've overplayed all the decent songs within my preferred genres of music, and now I hate them all.

It is 2014 and we still don't have printers that can successfully cancel jobs.

My friend cancelled his Netflix account that I used, so now I have to pay for my own.

The Pepsi machine was out of order so I had to get a Coke.

The gym is calling my name, but my bed is holding me captive.

I accidentally bent my spoon while scooping out ice cream.

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.

Here's how it works:

When you spend $39.95 to see this video, it proves your dog is smarter than you.

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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