Jokes

Posted on 17 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

"These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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A man walks into a flower shop.

"I'd like some flowers please."

"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"

He shrugs, "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."

"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper.

The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper. Where's the story about the big swindle?"

The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

-- Joke submitted by Winnie Bocc   [Jokes]



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A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

-- Joke submitted by Irene Gulana   [Jokes]



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It was a beautiful day at the park and there was this little blode girl, with rosy red cheeks. As she was walking around when suddenly she saw something on the ground and didn't know what it was but it was moving around and she thought it looked ugly.

She saw a little boy about her age. "Hey you!" she shouted out. "Could you please come over here?"

The little boy walked over. "What do you need?" he said.

"What is this?" she asked.

The little boy replied, "It's a worm."

The little girl with a blank on her face and asked, "How do you kill one?"

"You can't!" the boy said.

"YES you can!!!" she said angry tone.

With a grind on her face, she wanted to show how smart she is... she bent down, scope up a hand full of dirt and buried the worm. "See I told you, now who do you think is the dumb one?"

-- Joke submitted by Tom Sanders   [Jokes]



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"Can anyone tell me," asked the teacher, "why the Middle Ages are often called the Dark Ages?"

Sally raised her hand and shouted, "Because they had so many knights?"

-- Joke submitted by Keira Tooker   [Jokes]



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Thoughts To Ponder

1. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

2. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

3. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

4. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

5. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

6. If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

7. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

8. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

9. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

10. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

11. I thought about how my mother fed me with a tiny spoon and fork, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

12. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

13. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of it's nose?

14. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

15. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

16. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

17. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

18. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A2: Four: One to change the light bulb, and three to jointly author a paper entitled "The behavioral rectification of deficient illumination".

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. "You gotta hardware problem? Call the maintenance engineer".

Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Microsoft has declared darkness an international standard.

-- Joke submitted by Gera   [Jokes]



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