Jokes

Posted on 16 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary.

He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

-- Joke submitted by Nancy Turner   [Jokes]



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During a museum tour the guide explains, "Here you can see the beautiful statue of Athena..."

"Excuse me, madam," a visitor interjects. "Who is that man behind her? Is he her husband?"

"No, Athena wasn't married: she was the goddess of wisdom."

-- Joke submitted by gargona   [Jokes]



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Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.

The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!"

The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!"

The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!"

"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute."

The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut."

He broke the nut in half, and handed half of the shell to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."

-- Joke submitted by law-n-don   [Jokes]



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A guy gets stopped by the bouncer at a nightclub. "You have to wear a tie," says the bouncer.

The guy goes back to his car and finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around his neck, and goes back to the club.

The bouncer lets him in but warns, "I'll be watching, so you better not start anything!"

-- Joke submitted by CasCado   [Jokes]



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A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

-- Joke submitted by Irene Gulana   [Jokes]



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"I want you to drink a cup of hot water every morning," prescribed the doctor.

"You gotta be kidding, doc," replied the patient, "I've been doing that for years, but my wife calls it coffee".

-- Joke submitted by Max Rubin   [Jokes]



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Thoughts To Ponder

1. Why do they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey?

2. Why do they say a football team is the 'world champion' when they don't play anybody outside the US?

3. Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?

4. If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what color would it turn?

5. What are the handles for corn on the cob called?

6. Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

7. Why do we press the start button to turn off the computer?

8. Do your eyes change color when you die?

9. Were Mary and Joseph's surname Christ before Jesus was born?

10. If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?

11. Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?

12. In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?

13. How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?

14. If K.F.C Stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken, Why do they play sweet home Alabama on the comercials?

15. If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?

16. What type of animal is Snuffaluffagus?

17. If you had a three story house and were in the second floor, isn't it possible that you can be upstairs and downstairs at the same time?

18. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

19. If a king is gay and marries another guy what is that guy to the royal family?

20. Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

21. Does a 'Marks-A-Lot' marker, mark any more than a regular marker?

22. If you really could dig a hole to China, and you did, and you fell in, would you stop in the middle because of gravity?

23. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

24. What happens when you put a lightsaber in water?

25. On Gilligan's Island, how did Ginger have so many different outfits when they were only going on a 3 hour tour?

26. If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?

27. If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?

28. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

29. Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?

30. What do you call male ballerinas?

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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Inventions Which Did Not Succeed

1. The water-proof towel
2. Glow in the dark sunglasses
3. Solar powered flashlights
4. Submarine screen doors
5. A book on how to read
6. Inflatable dart boards
7. A dictionary index
8. Mechanical pencil sharpeners
9. Powdered water
10. Waterproof tea bags
11. The helicopter ejector seat
12. The cordless extension cord

-- Joke submitted by Brenda   [Jokes]



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