Jokes

Posted on 15 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... 'physically' attracted to my horse."

"Hmmm," the doctor said, "Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course!" the man snapped. "What do you think I'm...gay???"

-- Joke submitted by Alex Buldakov   [Jokes]



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A man is driving through the countryside when he sees a sign that reads "Pigs for sale, next left". Curiosity got the better of him and he turned into the farm.

The farmer greets him at the gate and asks him which pig he wants. The man, having no experience of buying pigs simply points at one and asks, "How much is that one?"

The farmer grabs the pig's tail between his teeth, lifts the pig off the floor and says, "200."

Slightly confused, the man says, "That's a bit expensive, how about that one?" and points at another pig.

Again the father picks up the pig by the tail between his teeth and says, "That ones heavier, so it'll be about 250."

"Heavier?" said the man, "Am I supposed to believe you are weighing them."

"Yes," said the farmer, "That's how you weigh pigs, everybody knows that, ask my daughter."

The man turns to his daughter and sure enough she says, "That's how you weigh pigs".

By this point the man is sure he is being conned, and is about to leave when the farmer says, "Hang on, I'll prove that this is how you weigh pigs, ask my wife".

To which his daughter added, "Oh, you can't ask her, she's weighing the postman".

-- Joke submitted by verbotine   [Jokes]



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A doctors asks a blonde, "What's your husband rhesus?"

"About nine inch," she responds.

-- Joke submitted by sweetgirl   [Jokes]



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A young straight couple was in love but they were so poor they could only afford to get married at a gay church.

So they met with their gay pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.

"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

-- Joke submitted by Greg Rolfe   [Jokes]



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Little Mary: "Mummy, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

Mom: "Well, that is alright, Annie."

Little Mary: "But Mummy, I was sitting on Daddy's lap!"

-- Joke submitted by Ch-Ch-Cheese   [Jokes]



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A man visits a friend recovering from flu, who says it's been a happy and wonderful experience.

"How so?"

"I've found out how much my wife loves me - she's been so pleased to have me home."

"How do you know?"

"Well, every time the postman, the milkman or the dustman comes by, she runs out shouting 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

-- Joke submitted by Keith Zheng   [Jokes]



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"Next," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly."

The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!"

-- Joke submitted by pilate   [Jokes]



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A hunter saves an Indian chief being chased by a grizzly bear in the woods. The chief invites the hunter back to his camp to celebrate and reward the hunter for saving his life.

At the celebration, the Indian chief says to the hunter, "I have a special surprise for you: 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens. You look at all of them and choose one. She will be your wife."

The chief clapped his hands and 500 young, beautiful Indian maidens appeared, topless, before them. With closer inspection, the hunter notices that none of them have nipples on their breasts.

"Why don't these maidens have nipples on their breasts?" he asks the chief.

The chief turns to the hunter with surprise, "What, you've never heard of the Indian Nipple-less 500?"

-- Joke submitted by zuzu   [Jokes]



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