Jokes

Posted on 14 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard. You're a veterinarian."

-- Joke submitted by Alex Buldakov   [Jokes]



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At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV.

Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. "Great," said the teacher, "that's very important. "
Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. "Well, that has to do with it too," said the teacher.

Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, "Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education."

"Yes it does," said Johnny, "it taught those Indians not to f*** with John Wayne."

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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After his wife had a baby, the new minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair and approved it.

When the next child arrived, the minister appealed, and again, the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation voiced their unhappiness over the increasing expenses.

The minister stood up and shouted "Procreation is an act of God!"

An old man in the back stood and shouted back, "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the state's strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one day, she storms into her boss' office.

"I quit! That's it, I'm not working here anymore!"

"Why?" asks the boss. "What's the problem?"

"I've been working here for so long that I've grown the broom bristles between my legs. I can't take it anymore."

"Listen," the boss says. "That's perfectly normal. Look, I have those too."

"Oh, my goodness!" she exclaims. "It's worse than I thought! You've also grown a broom handle!"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Q: What happens when you put the Energizer Bunny batteries in backward?

A: He keeps coming and coming and coming...

-- Joke submitted by Hagar   [Jokes]



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Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman whose billionaire husband died. The woman had inherited all of her deceased husband's fortune and decided she would see if she could remarry herself a fine young man. So, she walked into a bar and announced to all the men that she had inherited billions of dollars and would marry the guy with the biggest dick.

Now of course this woman wasn't all that in the looks department, as a matter of fact she looked more like a shriveled prune then a human being. But, the guys didn't care because they knew this old lady would croak soon and they would get all that money.

The woman then told the men to stiff themselves up to full erection and lay their dicks on a long table. They did what she said.

All of a sudden, two gay guys walked into the bar, looked at the table and said, "Mmm! A buffet?!"

-- Joke submitted by dron   [Jokes]



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This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing "On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table.

"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, "...On the road again..."

The M.A. is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!"

-- Joke submitted by Katalon23   [Jokes]



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30 Reasons Chocolate Isn't Better Than Sex

1. Eating chocolate in public isn't exciting.

2. You can't ask chocolate to wear leather for you.

3. You can't put wax on chocolate's nipples.

4. Chocolate doesn't make a movie interesting.

5. It doesn't take talent to eat chocolate.

6. If you scream while eating chocolate people think something's wrong.

7. If you have a romantic dinner just to eat chocolate for dessert, your date will think you're an idiot.

8. You can't put handcuffs on chocolate.

9. Chocolate doesn't moan.

10. If you eat chocolate in the shower it will melt.

11. Eating chocolate in a large group isn't any more fun than eating it alone.

12. A magazine about chocolate wouldn't sell.

13. Chocolate won't sell a product, no matter how much of it you use.

14. Chocolate is ‘quality controlled'.

15. Chocolate comes with an expiration date.

16. Too much chocolate will make you sick.

17. There's no challenge in obtaining a bit of chocolate.

18. If you don't want any chocolate people assume something's wrong with you.

19. Mixing chocolate with whipped cream will give you cavities.

20. Chocolate isn't fun to undress.

21. Eating chocolate does nothing for your cardiovascular system.

22. You can't write a book on how to eat chocolate.

23. You can never eat the same chocolate twice.

24. Your mom will scold you about eating chocolate before dinner.

25. You have to wait a half-hour before swimming after eating chocolate.

26. When chocolate gets hot it gets harder to eat.

27. Chocolate makes you fat.

28. Chocolate will kill your dog.

29. It's no fun to wrestle chocolate to the ground.

30. Chocolate doesn't react to being licked.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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