Jokes

Posted on 13 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says, "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."

So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"

The second man turns around and says, "Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?"

"I'm from Dublin," came the reply.

"Me too! What street do you live on?"

"McCarthy street."

The second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?"

"162," the first man replies.

"Me too! What are your parents names?"

"Connor and Shannon."

The second man, almost dumbfounded says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks, "What's new today?"

"Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though."

-- Joke submitted by cookso   [Jokes]



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A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying things like, "I think the light was yellow," or, "I think it was still raining."

The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, "We don't care what you think. What do you know?"

The harried witness paused for a moment and then replied, "Then I may as well leave the witness stand. Since I'm not a lawyer, I can't talk without thinking."

-- Joke submitted by Charles   [Jokes]



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A man from Liverpool stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip -- three pennies.

As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"

"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."

Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."

Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."

"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man's supper and began whining and jumping up at him.

The man noticed this, in fact he was getting rather annoyed at the dog.
"Do you mind if I throw him a bit?" said the man to the lady.

"Not at all," she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.

-- Joke submitted by Ro   [Jokes]



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True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys, then being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: "Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"

-- Joke submitted by pilate   [Jokes]



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The faithful old employee asked for a day off. The request was granted, with an inquiry as to what he intended to do on his holiday.

"I think," came the cautious answer, "I shall go to my wife's funeral. She died the other day."

A few weeks later, the request for a day off was repeated.

"And what are you going to do this time?" the employer asked.

"I think, mebbe, I'll get married."

"What! So soon after burying your wife?"

The faithful old employee smiled tolerantly, as he answered:

"Oh, well, I was never one to hold spite."

-- Joke submitted by John Roth   [Jokes]



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Things you don't want to hear during surgery

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2. Someone call the janitor – we're going to need a mop.

3. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!

4. Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

6. Hand me that...uh...that...uh...thingie.

7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

9. Darn, there go the lights again…

10. You know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them.

11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

13. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?

14. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

15. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

16. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?

17. Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.

18. What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

19. She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

20. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!

-- Joke submitted by Leo Russell   [Jokes]



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Modern Tools

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principle to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chain Saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

-- Joke submitted by Tom Machen   [Jokes]



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