Jokes

Posted on 12 January 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"

The father answered immediately, "I just don't know, son. No male has ever lived that long yet."

-- Joke submitted by Heris Pilton   [Jokes]



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A group of American tourists were on a guided tour through an ancient castle in Europe.

"Ladies and gentlemen," the guide said, "this castle is over 700 years old. Nothing has been altered or touched in all those years."

"Sounds like they have the same cheap landlord I have!" exclaimed one of the tourists.

-- Joke submitted by Dave Lally   [Jokes]



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A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here you're at least a size 11."

The guy says, "Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe."

The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain. The salesman just has to ask, "Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?"

He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is having an affair with my best friend and my daughter is pregnant. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these damn shoes."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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"Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" asked one man of his friend.

"Sure," was the answer. "Did you think it would go through?"

-- Joke submitted by kSauce   [Jokes]



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One-liners

1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried, but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

9. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

10. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

11. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

12. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

13. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

14. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

15. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

16. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

17. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

18. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

19. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

20. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

21. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

22.Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

23.Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

24.It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

25.There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

27.There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Some Really Good Questions

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

6. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

7. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

8. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

9. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

10. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Two policemen are considering the problem of catching the bandit. One of them starts to calculate the optimal mixed strategy for the chase.

The other policeman protests. "While we're doodling," he points out, "he is making his getaway."

"Relax," says the game-theorist policeman, "He's got to figure it out too, don't he?"

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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The Top 16 Signs Your Cat has a Personality Disorder

16. Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!

15. You've repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.

14. Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.

13. Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.

12. No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again...

11. Continually scratches on the door to get in... the OVEN door.

10. Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.

9. Rides in your car with its head out the window.

8. She's a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.

7. You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.

6. Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty "9 Lives" cans.

5. Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.

4. After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.

3. Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.

2. Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.

1. Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Sock's life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.

-- Joke submitted by Eddie   [Jokes]



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