Jokes

Posted on 12 January 2020


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Cheating Husband

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie."

"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

-- Joke submitted by ziapod   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A Salesman was traveling by train with his bride for his honeymoon to Florida. He was talking to an old gentleman with whom he had made an acquaintance. He told him, "I am going with my wife for my honeymoon to spend it in Florida."

The gentleman asked, "Are you going to Tampa with her?"

"You are damn right that I am going to tamper with her, what a silly question?"

-- Joke submitted by Vill4   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Jim and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Jim says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

-- Joke submitted by Hanna Walczak   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


One woman stops a taxi. She says, "To the airport, please."

After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says, "You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today."

"Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant."

"Well, you haven't arrived to the airport yet neither."

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Two Drunk men were sitting in the park. The first one says,

"Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands."

"By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard."

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

-- Joke submitted by Philip Dehn   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Men's Personal Ads ...and what they really mean:

40-ish. Really means: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old.

Athletic. Really means: Sits on the couch and watches ESPN.

Average looking. Really means: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back.

Educated. Really means: Will always treat you like an idiot.

Free spirit. Really means: Sleeps with your sister.

Friendship first. Really means: As long as friendship involves nudity.

Fun. Really means: Good with a remote and a six pack.

Good Looking. Really means: Arrogant.

Honest. Really means: Pathological Liar.

Huggable. Really means: Overweight, more body hair than a bear.

Like to cuddle. Really means: Insecure, overly dependent.

Mature. Really means: Until you get to know him.

Open-minded. Really means: Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested.

Physically fit. Really means: I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself.

Poet. Really means: Has written on a bathroom stall.

Spiritual. Really means: Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday.

Stable. Really means: Occasional stalker, but never arrested.

Thoughtful. Really means: Says "Please" when demanding a beer.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


25 Fun Pool Activities

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.

3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.

6) Hit strangers with your flutter board.

7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.

8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah.. oooh that feels soooo good.."

9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.

10) Swim near someone and go "Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here."

11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say "HA HA, fooled you!"

13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.

14) Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

15) Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.

16) Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

17) Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

18) Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

19) When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.

20) Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say "Wheee! I'm Batman!" while running around.

21) Hit strangers with your wet towel.

22) Throw people's things into the pool.

23) Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.

24) Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

25) Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

-- Joke submitted by Grandpappy   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


50 Things Men Should Know About Women... But Don't

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.

2. Real men drive stick shift.

3. I will leave if you lie.

4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).

5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.

6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.

7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.

8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.

9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.

10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.

11. I expect you to call me.

12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.

13. I'm scared of losing my independence.

14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.

15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.

16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)

17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm...
  a)...having a fat day.
  b)...not feeling "connected" to you.
  c)...blackmailing you to get something I want.

18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.

19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.

20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.

21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.

22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.

23. You should never tell me what to do.

24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.

25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.

26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.

27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.

28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.

29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.

30. I want to be Madonna.

31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.

32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.

33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.

34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.

35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.

36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you?and for you to recognize this.

37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....

38. Discussion of ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends should be avoided at all times.

39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.

40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.

41. I love it when you're sweaty.

42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.

43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.

44. I like porn.

45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.

46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.

47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...

48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.

49. I remember everything about our relationship.

50. You should know all this and more without my telling you.

-- Joke submitted by Umanya   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5