Jokes

Posted on 12 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain..."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

-- Joke submitted by fredsken   [Jokes]



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Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.

-- Joke submitted by Belina   [Jokes]



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If Restaurants Functioned Like Tech Support

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, itís still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe itís a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!!

-- Joke submitted by hpsup   [Jokes]



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An Irish guy was digging a hole in his front lawn, when his neighbour walks by and says, "Hey, Patrick, what are you doing?"

"Digging a hole," said Patrick.

"What's wrong with the hole next to it?" said his neighbour.

"That one wasn't deep enough," said Patrick.

-- Joke submitted by Tom Hurst   [Jokes]



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The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it.

After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.

The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled.

"It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions."

"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."

-- Joke submitted by Peter Anderson   [Jokes]



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Robert: I have the body of an athlete.

Edwin: Better give it back. You're getting it out of shape.

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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Ten reasons why TV is better than the world-wide web

1. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

2. When was the last time you tuned in to "Friends" and got a "Not Found 404" message?

3. There are fewer grating color schemes on TVĖeven on MTV.

4. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

5. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

6. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

7. "CSI" never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

8. You just can't find those cool infomercials on the Web.

9. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to cable.

10. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a soda in one hand and chips in the other.

-- Joke submitted by Ella Wood   [Jokes]



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First World Problems

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target, now people won't stop asking me where things are.

I didn't realize the toilet paper roll was empty until I was done pooping.

I'm not busy or important enough to take advantage of all the features on my smartphone.

I want an inspirational tattoo but my life has been too easy.

I ran out of things to look at on the internet, and now I have to do homework.

I accidentally opened Internet Explorer.

My Girl Scout cookies haven't been delivered yet and everyone else already has theirs.

I drank a lot of water, now I have to keep going to the bathroom.

There's to much salt on my popcorn so now I have to get a drink.

I gave my dog some bacon and now he won't stop following me around the house.

The next kleenex didn't pop up.

There are so many dishes in the sink I can't fill my Brita pitcher.

I want to listen to music on the bus but I ran into someone I know.

Google does not know what I mean.

I want to eat more, but I am already full.

I am too skinny to have my belt end at one belt loop and too fat to have it end at another.

The book I read about third world countries made me sad.

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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