Jokes

Posted on 11 January 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

12 Types of People on Facebook

All of us on Facebook have at least one of each of these types of friends on our list:

1) The "Rooster" -- Always tells Facebook "Good Morning" every day.

2) The "Lurker" -- Never posts or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status when seeing you in public.

3) The "Hyena" -- Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.

4) "Mr/Ms Popular" -- Has 4,367 friends for NO reason.

5) The "Gamer" -- Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Farmville, and Bejeweled Blitz, and bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc. (ALL DAY).

6) The "Cynic" -- Hates his life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of his status updates.

7) The "Collector" -- Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.

8) The "Promoter" -- Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore.

9) The "Liker" -- Never actually says anything, but always clicks the "like" button.

10) "Drama Queen/King" -- This person always posts stuff like "I can't believe this!" or "They gonna make me snap today!" in the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong ... but then never finishes telling the story.

11) The "News" -- Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary, and lastly...

12) The "Thief" -- Steals status updates ... and will probably steal this one ...

-- Joke submitted by callun   [Jokes]



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A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

-- Joke submitted by Katie Morris   [Jokes]



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A group of elementary school students were on a field trip to the local police station. Several of the children were fascinated by the wanted posters on the wall.

Little Billy raised his hand and asked the police officer giving them the tour who the people on the wall were.

"Those are pictures of criminals we are looking for," answered the policeman. "We call those wanted posters."

Little Billy looked puzzled. His hand shot back up into the air. "Well," he wondered, "why didn't you just keep them when you took their pictures?"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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It Might Be Redneck Love If

Your wife can drink a gallon of hooch quicker than you can.

You confused shaving cream for whipped cream and didn't notice until morning.

You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

Your wedding reception was catered by your previous wife.

Your will states your wife can't touch your money until she's 14.

At the wedding, you and your wife Instant Messaged your vows.

When people talk about the Big Easy, you think they are referring to your ex-girlfriend.

You proposed to your wife while working under your truck.

Your definition of "getting lucky" is passing the emissions test.

The last time you fought with your wife was on The Jerry Springer Show.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You're making payments on more than one wedding ring.

You took your honeymoon photos to Ripley's Believe It Or Not.

You've ever asked a widow for her phone number at the funeral home.

You have to reschedule your wedding because the alimony payment was late.

-- Joke submitted by Tim Linscott   [Jokes]



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Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

1. A few crumbs short of a crouton.

2. A few clowns short of a circus.

3. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

4. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

5. A few beers short of a six-pack.

6. A few peas short of a casserole.

7. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

8. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

9. One taco short of a combination plate.

10. A few feathers short of a whole duck

11. All foam, no beer.

12. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

13. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

14. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

15. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

16. As smart as bait.

17. Chimney's clogged.

18. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

19. Elevator doesn't go all th eway to the top floor.

20. Forgot to pay her brain bill.

21. Her sewing machine's out of thread.

22. If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

23. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

24. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

25. Has the intelligence of a Carrot.

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.

When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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You Know You Are a Dog Person When...

1. You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.

2. Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.

3. You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.

4. The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.

5. You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.

6. You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.

7. You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kids.

8. You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.

9. You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.

11. You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.

12. Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.

13. You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.

14. You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.

15. You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first floor...)

16. Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.

17. You shovel a zigzag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all her favorite spots.

18. You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

19. You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.

20. You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.

21. You jewelry box contains no jewels... just those fasteners from vari-kennels.

22. Every time you read the name Bob, you think the guy's first name is Best of Breed.

23. Your house isn't carpeted the fuzzy furballs under your feet are soft enough ...

24. Your hungry hubby comes home from work, lifts the cover of the pan on the stove and says, "Is this people food or dog food?"

25. At your dinner parties, you always double check the butter before putting it on the table.

26. You put important papers in the latest issue of your breed magazine ... you know you will find them there.

27. You have dog hair stuck to the tape on wrapped gifts.

28. You show up at the car dealers with a ruler, to measure and see if your big dog crate will fit. Before the actual purchase you make the dealer cringe by insisting that you load both crates and dog into the shiny, new vehicle to make sure it works!

29. You remove all the seats from the van except the two in the front so you have room for crates...

30. You cringe at the price of food in the grocery store but think nothing of the cost of dog food or treats.

31. When you get your latest roll of film and there isn't a single picture of a two-legged person in it...

-- Joke submitted by go-shan   [Jokes]



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Murphy's Laws Of Work

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

11. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

12. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong...

18. ...until the next person quits or is fired.

19. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

20. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.
(For instance, The Murphy Centre for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T...).

21. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

22. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

23. People are always available for work in the past tense.

24. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

25. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

26. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

27. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

28. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

29. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

30. The longer the title, the less important the job.

31. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

32. An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

33. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

34. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

35. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

-- Joke submitted by TheWhiteRabbit   [Jokes]



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