Jokes

Posted on 11 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."

The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"

The first woman asked, "Did it help?"

Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."

-- Joke submitted by Monica Finch   [Jokes]



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A wee Belfast boy came home from school in tears.

"What's the matter, son?" asked his mammy.

"We were doing sums today, Mammy," he said.

"And were they too hard?"

"Well, the teacher said either I either couldn't count, or I was stupid, or maybe all three."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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The American History teacher was lecturing the class on the Puritans.

She asked, "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"

A small voice from the back of the room responded, "Small investors."

-- Joke submitted by Elaine Pancost   [Jokes]



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A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested, "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one."

The officer said, "Your requirements, please."

"Oh, good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."

The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand. You need television."

-- Joke submitted by Logan LeBlanc   [Jokes]



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The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl not to cry, and she offered as a convincing argument:

"You know it makes little girls homely."

The child stared belligerently at the benevolent lady, and then remarked:

"You must have cried an awful lot when you was young."

-- Joke submitted by kassandra   [Jokes]



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Real Estate Ad Phrases And What They Really Mean

"Charming" - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."

"Much potential" - Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See "Ready to Rehab," and "Fixer Upper."

"Unique city home" - Used to be a warehouse.

"Hi-Tech/Contemporary" - Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.

"Daring design" - Still a warehouse.

"Completely updated" - Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting or vice versa.

"Sophisticated" - Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight."

"One-of-a-kind" - Ugly as sin.

"Brilliant concept" - Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement."

"Upper bracket" - If you have to ask.

"You'll love it" - No, you won't.

"Must see to believe" - An absolutely accurate statement.

-- Joke submitted by Kevin Carter   [Jokes]



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The World's Thinnest Books

20. Beauty Secrets - by Janet Reno
19. Home Built Airplanes - by John Denver
18. How To Win The Superbowl - by Dan Marino
17. Things I Love About Bill - by Hillary Clinton
16. My Life's Memories - by Ronald Reagan
15. Things I Can't Afford - by Bill Gates
14. Things I Would Not Do For Money - by Dennis Rodman
13. The Wild Years - by Al Gore
12. Amelia Earhart's Guide Yo The Pacific Ocean
11. America's Most Popular Lawyers
10. Detroit - A Travel Guide
9. Dr.Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches
8. Everything Men Know About Women
7. Everything Women Know About Men
6. All The Men I've Loved Before - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette
4. Spotted Owl Recipes - by the Sierra Club
3. The Amish Phone Directory
2. My Plan To Find The Real Killers - by O.J.Simpson
1. My Book Of Morals - by Bill Clinton

-- Joke submitted by John Hunt   [Jokes]



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First World Problems

The cleaning lady stole my mood ring and I don't know how to feel about it.

My house is too big for the wifi to reach my bedroom.

All my friends are studying for finals, so I have no one to drink with.

My friends guest room has a sleep number bed that won't allow me to change the setting. I'm comfortable, but I'll never know if I could be more comfortable.

I'm so poor. I've only got enough money for rent, food and a couple of nights out this month.

I have a test on my birthday.

Three to five business days.

Powerpoint presentations.

The pizza guy can't find my house so now I have to stand outside and wave like an idiot.

I can't decide which country to go to for my graduation gift.

I can't find a reason to buy an iPad, I just want one.

I have to wait a month until my upgrade to get the new iPhone 5.

The WiFi on my flight across America is not fast enough to watch YouTube videos.

The green light was too short this morning and I was forced to feel guilty for not giving money to the homeless guy.

My dog walks while she poops.

The water fountain is too cold and it hurts my teeth.

My smartphone changes "lol" to "LOL" making me sound more amused than I actually am.

I never have enough time to sleep. Also, I never have enough time to play video games because I have to sleep.

I can't do my homework on my Macbook Pro, so I have to use a PC at the library.

My life is so busy that I have to schedule my free time.

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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