Jokes

Posted on 10 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A Somali arrives in California as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me Housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa!"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says... "Probably at work."

-- Joke submitted by Pinkerton   [Jokes]



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The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition, appealed to the clergyman in a loud whisper, at the close of the ceremony:

"Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?"

The clergyman might have replied: "Not yet, but soon."

-- Joke submitted by Monica Napier   [Jokes]



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In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

-- Joke submitted by gittenburs   [Jokes]



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A cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

"Ever have an accident?"

"Nope, nary a one."

"None? You've never had any accidents?"

"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."

"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"

"Heck, no! That dang varmint bit me on purpose!"

-- Joke submitted by Helma Rosenthal   [Jokes]



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A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"

-- Joke submitted by Hanna Walczak   [Jokes]



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All-Purpose Apology Form

Dear

a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) Love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) Car
b) House
c) Pet
d) Mother-in-law
e) Left arm

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated

prank.

How could I have known that the

a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) Patriot missile
e) Zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

a) house
b) wife
c) Cub Scout troop
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with lightbulb in the torch
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans

You must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

a) imagine
b) fathom
c) comprehend
d) appreciate
e) pay for

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to

a) hate me
b) sue me
c) spank me
d) take my firstborn
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond

but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at

a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail

and to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a
bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

a) was so stupid
b) was so silly
c) would have been funny if it worked
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,
(your name here)

-- Joke submitted by Katie Bronda   [Jokes]



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A horse walked into a restaurant and ordered a well-done cheeseburger with onions, pickle, relish, ketchup, and mustard.

The waiter brought the food to the horse, who finished it off with great pleasure.

Noticing a cowboy staring at him as he ate, the horse said, "I suppose you think it's strange that a horse should come into a restaurant and order a well-done cheeseburger with onions, pickle, relish, ketchup, and mustard."

"Not at all," the cowboy said. "I like it that way myself."

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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Here's some sure signs you may be a Canadian...

1. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk".

2. You understand, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."

3. You know what it means to be on 'pogey'.

4. You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "Party at the cabin, eh!!"

5. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.

6. You can drink legally while still a 'teen'.

7. You don't give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.

8. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!

9. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

10. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."

11. You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

12. You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as "for children and the elderly, and for export to the US".

13. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

14. You believe "the Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar.

15. You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them.

16. You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit.

17. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

18. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

19. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

20. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

21. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

22. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

-- Joke submitted by canadian boy   [Jokes]



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