Jokes

Posted on 9 January 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A little girl and a little boy were at day-care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"

He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl nods and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband".

-- Joke submitted by Emma Ward   [Jokes]



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A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

-- Joke submitted by RORCA   [Jokes]



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FARMER (boasting): I've got thousands of cows.

VISITOR: That's a lot of cows.

FARMER: And that's not all. I've also got thousands of bulls.

VISITOR: That's a lot of bull.

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!"

Father: "What, son?"

College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"

Father: "I certainly do."

College student: "Well, you get to keep it."

-- Joke submitted by Zoe Gowars   [Jokes]



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An English mother was visiting her son at college.

"Well, dear," she said, "what languages did you decide to take?"

"I have decided to take Pictish, mother," he replied.

"Pictish?" said the puzzled lady. "Why Pictish?"

"Only five words of it remain," he said.

-- Joke submitted by Elaine   [Jokes]



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First World Problems

There's never been a hurricane with my name.

No one reblogs or likes what I blog on Tumblr.

It's too hot in my room with the fan off, and too loud with the fan on, so I can't sleep.

Homework is preventing me from doing more productive things.

Where I work is so close to my home that I can't hear a complete song while driving there.

I poured just the right amount of cereal, but there was so little left in the box that I had to pour and eat the rest of it too.

The lowest brightness setting on my iPad is still too bright to read in the dark.

The cleaning lady woke me up.

I just took a shower and now I have to poop.

Amazon is about to start charging me sales tax.

The guy at the fast food drive through is starting to recognize me.

I've overplayed all the decent songs within my preferred genres of music, and now I hate them all.

It is 2014 and we still don't have printers that can successfully cancel jobs.

My friend cancelled his Netflix account that I used, so now I have to pay for my own.

The Pepsi machine was out of order so I had to get a Coke.

The gym is calling my name, but my bed is holding me captive.

I accidentally bent my spoon while scooping out ice cream.

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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Rules of Chocolate

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

6. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.

8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

9. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.

10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

-- Joke submitted by ps-ef   [Jokes]



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How To Tick People Off

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."

8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and cc them to your boss.

10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.

13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.

17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

18. Honk and wave to strangers.

19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.

20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

21. type only in lowercase.

22. dont use any punctuation either

23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."

25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

27. Ask people what gender they are.

28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

30. Sing along at the opera.

31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

-- Joke submitted by Greg Perkins   [Jokes]



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