Jokes

Posted on 9 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Pete and Mick were in court and standing before the judge.

"Why can't this case be settled out of court?" the judge asked.

Pete looked up at the judge and said, "That's what we were trying to do, your honour, when the police interfered."

-- Joke submitted by Paul James   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Ole answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto lady's cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation.

"Diesel fitter," he replied.

Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The Clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says: 'Yeah, diesel fitter.'"

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Man to wife: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I've been giving you?

Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

-- Joke submitted by Nika Baker   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Icymist, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change her instrument. After some thought, she decides on the accordion.

So she goes to Raditz's music store and says to Raditz, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

Raditz gestures to a shelf in the corner and says, "All our accordions are over there."

After browsing, Icymist says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

Raditz looks at Icymist and says, "You're a bongo player, aren't you?"

Icymist, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

Raditz answers, "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator."

-- Joke submitted by J.Kato   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river. The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down. She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.

He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."

She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"

-- Joke submitted by Vanessa   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Managed Health Care FAQ

Q: What does HMO stand for?
A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!". Its roots go back to the concept pioneered by Dr.Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A: No. Only those you need.

Q: I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors will fall into two basic categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry - the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just half a day's drive away.

Q: What are pre-existing conditions?
A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we seem to be pre-stuck with it.

Q: Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A: Certainly. As long as they don't require any treatment.

Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q: I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I'd already paid the bill. What should I do?
A: You have two choices: your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms and frog hatcheries.

Q: What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A: Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q: What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A: Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q: No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A: You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, then get sick.

Q: I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot.

Q: My pharmacy only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication and it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A: Poke yourself in the eye.

Q: What will change if the government takes over health care?
A: Your coverage will have the efficiency of the Post Office and the bedside manner of the Internal Revenue Service.

Q: Will health care be any different in the next century?
A: No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

-- Joke submitted by Donna   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


You Know You're Addicted to the Net When...

1. Everyone one of your friends have @ in their names.
2. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
3. Your spouse makes a new rule... Computers don't come to bed.
4. You laugh at people with 2400 modems.
5. You start tilting your head to smile :-)
6. Your phone bill comes to your house in a box.
7. You find your self typing com after every period.
8. You start introducing your self as 'John@internet.com'

-- Joke submitted by RORCA   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A man lost in the woods saw a blonde lady who seems lost just like him. "Hello miss, do you know where we are? I think you're lost just like me," says the man.

"Uh, I'm not lost, but you are," answered blonde.

The man was surprised how assuring the blonde answered him. "I'm lost!" said the man, and you are here with me. How can you tell you are not lost?"

"That was 10 years ago," she answered.

-- Joke submitted by Brianna Guta   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5