Jokes

Posted on 8 January 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A blonde was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".

After much thought he wrote: "YES".

-- Joke submitted by Kate Lordner   [Jokes]



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Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing.

"What did you find?" he asks.

"I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see... Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind'".

"And how is it?"

"Nothing much. The book was better."

-- Joke submitted by Max Rubin   [Jokes]



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A Minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Then with even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

Sermon completed, he then sat down.

The Choir Director stood up and announced, "Let us sing Hymn 345 - Shall We Gather at the River."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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"Doctor, doctor, I keep having hot flushes."

Doctor: "You don't need a doctor, it's a plumber you need."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.
The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

-- Joke submitted by Maria Lopez   [Jokes]



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A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.

Here's how it works:

When you spend $39.95 to see this video, it proves your dog is smarter than you.

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A2: Four: One to change the light bulb, and three to jointly author a paper entitled "The behavioral rectification of deficient illumination".

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. "You gotta hardware problem? Call the maintenance engineer".

Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Microsoft has declared darkness an international standard.

-- Joke submitted by Gera   [Jokes]



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Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say

1. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

2. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

3. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car - GO CRAZY.

4. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend... you might want to consider throwing a party.

6. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

7. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

8. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

9. Father's Day? Aaahh, don't worry about that - it's no big deal.

-- Joke submitted by ritz   [Jokes]



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