Jokes

Posted on 8 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A young woman had severe PMS, so she asked a friend to recommend a gynecologist. "I know a great one," the friend said, "but he's very expensive. He charges $500 for the first visit and $150 for each visit after that."

The woman went to see the gynecologist. Trying to save money, she greeted the doctor with a loud, "I'm back!"

He then proceeded to examine her.

"Very good," he said when he was finished. "Just continue the treatment I prescribed last time."

-- Joke submitted by Keira Tooker   [Jokes]



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A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool's bottom.

That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel's elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.

When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, "That's not an aquarium...that's the swimming pool!"

-- Joke submitted by Elaine Pancost   [Jokes]



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Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself.

When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more f**king ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

-- Joke submitted by Arturo Chavez   [Jokes]



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Gary Condit looks up from his desk to see one of his aides nervously approach him.

"What is it?" yells the Congressman.

"It's this abortion bill, Mr. Condit. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.

"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the Congressman.

-- Joke submitted by Baldo Pazzi   [Jokes]



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Three Texans were in a bar throwing back a few, while they were discussing the meaning of life. The conversation grew deeper and deeper when one of the gents started talking about reincarnation. The trio started considering the possibility of the existence of this phenomenon and what each would prefer to come back as given the choice.

The first cowboy said, "Well I think if I had my 'druthers I'd come back as a big Brahman bull."

The other two contemplated this choice and inquired as to why a bull.

"Well," he said, "If I was a bull all I would have to do would be to lie around, eat and sleep all day. My women would be brought to me, and my owner would be paid for my services. That seem like a pretty good life to me."

His two buddies both agreed that sounded like a good way to go through life, but one thought he could improve on it. He said, "I'd rather come back as a range bull."

"A range bull, why a range bull?"

"Well," he said, "If I was a range bull it would be much the same as the life Leroy was talkin' 'bout. All I would have to do all day is lie around, eat and sleep, but I wouldn't have no fences to hold me back, and I would have my choice of all the women on the range. That seems like the best life to me."

Leroy nodded in agreement.

Just then ol' Charlie spoke up. "Naw," he said as he shook his head, "Ya'll got it all wrong. I'd rather come back as a whale."

"A whale, why in tarnation would you want to come back as a whale?" They were amazed at Charlie's statement.

Charlie just grinned and said, "Can you imagine having a seven foot tongue and bein' able to breathe out of the top of your head?"

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say

1. What do you mean today's our anniversary?

2. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

3. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!

4. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!

5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".

6. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

7. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

8. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.

9. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

10. Hey, pull my finger!

-- Joke submitted by Brian Westbrook   [Jokes]



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Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say

1. Let's watch Lifetime.

2. Sex is overrated.

3. I don't want to go too far on the first date.

4. Yes, your sister does have bigger breasts than you.

5. Don't we owe your mother a visit?

6. I'm relieved I don't have a large penis weighing me down.

7. Dessert goes right to my hips.

8. I hate when I miss Oprah.

9. Does this suit make me look fat?

10. I'll never get tired of listening to Dido.

-- Joke submitted by Brian Westbrook   [Jokes]



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New drugs on the market

St. Mom's Wort Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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