Jokes

Posted on 6 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in?

Customer: No.

Barber: Oh dear! Then I must have cut your throat.

-- Joke submitted by Trevor Nez   [Jokes]



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Patient:" I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?"

Doctor: "You've had an accident involving a bus."

Patient: "What happened?"

Doctor: "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them."

Patient: "That's terrible! What's the good news?"

Doctor: "There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers."

-- Joke submitted by Joel White   [Jokes]



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The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his 'house in order' , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law."

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"

-- Joke submitted by Barandon.SK   [Jokes]



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A woman goes away on vacation and has her brother watch her cat. On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her that the cat is dead.

The woman immediately goes into hysterics, really upset and says, "You can't tell a person bad news like that. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be ok. The third day you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day the brother calls the woman up and says, "I have news."

"What?"

"Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down ..."

-- Joke submitted by baks   [Jokes]



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Husband: Doctor, doctor, every day my wife tries to wash the car?

Doctor: What's wrong with that? Most husbands would love to have their wives wash the car.

Husband: In the bathtub?

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,
The Cat

-- Joke submitted by Adam Leshnower   [Jokes]



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Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away.

Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other.

One of them looked at the other and said, "So, what did you think?"

-- Joke submitted by Gerry   [Jokes]



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When asked by a higher officer how some compulsive gamblers were doing as sailors, the captain said, "Generally fine, except when they hear, 'All hands on deck', then they all pick up their cards!"

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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