Jokes

Posted on 5 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Dr. Kerby was very tired so he got his wife to answer the phone by the bed, say he was out, and give advice which he whispered to her.

"Thank you very much, Mrs. Kerby," said the patient who called, "but I whould like to ask you one thing. Is that gentleman who seems to be in bed with you fully qualified?"

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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The sergeant was in one of his rare moods as he lectured the recruits. "Let me ask you a simple question, what is fortification?"

There was no response. Nor did any of the rookies answer when he repeated the question.

Walking up to the new man who looked closest to normal, the sergeant barked right into his face, "What is fortification?"

The soldier gulped and managed an answer, "Two twentifications, Sarge!"

-- Joke submitted by Ken   [Jokes]



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What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumor?

1. Telegram
2. Telephone
3. Tell a woman

-- Joke submitted by Harry Berryman   [Jokes]



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Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

The little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

-- Joke submitted by Yonders   [Jokes]



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During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air: under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

-- Joke submitted by Brian Kerr   [Jokes]



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A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special: $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special please."

The agent says, "Yes, ma'am", then he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her onto a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money and asks for the $99 special. She too is sent floating down river. Drifting in stronger current she catches up with the first blonde.

Drifting side by side for a while, the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

-- Joke submitted by Lora Brill   [Jokes]



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A newly married couple went fishing on their vacation. Afterwards the wife's mother asked her how it went.

"Oh, it was terrible, everything went wrong, we overslept, and then we got a flat tire, and the worst part was that I caught more fish than he did!"

-- Joke submitted by salamandra   [Jokes]



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Sayings That Should Be On Those Office Inspirational Posters

1. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

2. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

3. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

4. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6. Plagiarism saves time.

7. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

8. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

9. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

10. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time so you don't have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

-- Joke submitted by TheWhiteRabbit   [Jokes]



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