Jokes

Posted on 4 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

An elderly Jewish couple were going out to dinner. The woman comes out of the bedroom and says to her husband, "Darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or this St. John?"

"Whichever you want", he replied.

The woman comes out of the bedroom again and says to her husband, "Darling, shall I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"

"Whatever you think looks best," says the husband.

The woman comes out of the bedroom yet again and says to her husband, "Darling, shall I wear my 5 carat pear or my 6 caret round diamond?"

"Either one", he says, "but if you don't finish soon, we're going to miss the early bird special."

-- Joke submitted by Pinkerton   [Jokes]



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A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for grouchy Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing, so what are you going' to do?"

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled.

"Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home, very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem.

"Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!"

Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's..."

But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and ran out of the room.

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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While Kathy is at her friend's house it starts to rain very heavily. Her friend tells her to spend the night at her house and go home the next day.

When she hears this, Kathy rushes out the door and comes back a while later totally drenched and carrying a small, soggy paper bag.

So her friend asks, "Where did you run off too?"

"I went home to get my pajamas!"

-- Joke submitted by Vanessa   [Jokes]



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Employee: I have been here 11 years doing three men's work for one man's pay. Now I want a raise.

Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but if you'll tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them.

-- Joke submitted by Glen Sote   [Jokes]



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Ed and Fred were flying along when the two idiots crash-landed on a desert island.

"What should we do?" said Ed.

"Hmmm, let's think," replied Fred.

Ed shook his head, "No, let's do something you can do too!"

-- Joke submitted by Matt Blay   [Jokes]



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"Mom, I'm hungry."

"Hi, Hungry. I'm Mom."

"Mom, I'm serious."

"I thought you were Hungry?"

"Are you kidding me?"

"Nope, I'm Mom."

-- Joke submitted by Katie Kimbers   [Jokes]



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Things to Do When You're Bored

1. Wax the ceiling.
2. Be in the wrong place at the right time.
5. Rearrange political campaign signs.
6. Sharpen your teeth.
7. Clean and polish your belly button.
8. Knight yourself and some close friends.
9. Scare Steven King.
10. Mow your carpet.
11. Dress like your favorite Heavy Metal group?surprise your grandmother.
12. Paint your home...day-glo orange.
13. Read Homer in the original Greek.
14. Change your mind.
15. Change it back.
16. Watch the sun...see if it moves.
17. Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster.
18. Paint your windows.
19. Paint.
20. Smile.
21. Paint a smile.
22. Shoot at a fire hydrant.
23. Apologize to it.
24. See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.
25. Rotate your garden...daily.
26. Plant a shoe.
27. Take apart all your major kitchen appliances.
28. Mix and match the parts.
29. Turn your TV picture tube upside down.
30. Take your sofa for a walk.
31. Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets.
32. Form a political party.
33. Throw a political party.
34. Annoy yourself.
35. Get angry with yourself.
36. Stop speaking to yourself.
37. Kiss and make-up.
38. Stand on your head.
39. Stand on someone else's head.
40. Be someone special.
41. Bury your fathers Nissan.
42. Tell him the dog did it.
43. Catch a falling star.
44. Throw it back.
45. Place your cat in hyper-space.
46. Again tell your dad the dog did it.

-- Joke submitted by P. Etchingham   [Jokes]



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Last night police were called to a branch of Pizza Hut after a body of a member of staff was found covered in mushrooms, onions ham and cheese.

The police spokesman said that there was a strong possibility that the man had topped himself.

-- Joke submitted by Marguerite Lacroix   [Jokes]



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