Jokes

Posted on 3 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Bill, Jim and Scott were staying in a 75-story hotel. One afternoon they were told that the elevators were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room on the top floor.

Bill said, "The climb will go faster if we distract ourselves. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

Bill started telling jokes and didn't stop until the 26th floor. Then Jim began to sing and kept going until the 51st floor. Then Jim stopped singing and told Scott to start telling sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," Scott said. "Once upon a time there was a man who left his hotel room key in the car..."

-- Joke submitted by Dave Lally   [Jokes]



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An actor had been out of work for 15 years because he always forgot his lines. Then one day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for a big part in a play. All he had to say was "Hark! I hear the cannon roar!"

After much worry the actor decided to take the role.

Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself "Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!"

The time for the entrance finally came and as the actor made his appearance, he heard a loud 'Brooooom!'

He turned around and said, "What the hell was that?"

-- Joke submitted by motocol   [Jokes]



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"There are hundreds of ways of making money, but only one honest way."

"What's that?"

"Aha! I knew you wouldn't know."

-- Joke submitted by Karla Homolka   [Jokes]



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Jim took two enthusiastic swings at the golf ball and missed both times.

He looked up at his companion and said, "That's funny - this course is two inches lower than the one I usually play."

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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The platypus went into a bar. He bought two sodas.

"That'll be $2.50, please," said the bartender.

"Just put it on my bill," said the platypus.

-- Joke submitted by Brina Dixon   [Jokes]



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She came into room with her scalp bristling in pink plastic curlers.

He said, "What happened to your head?"

She said, "I set it."

He said, "What time does it go off?"

-- Joke submitted by Tom Swig   [Jokes]



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In a science class the teacher ask her students how eclipse is cause. One student raise his hand and said, "It's cause when the moon pass through the sun causing an obstruction."

"Very good observation," said the teacher, "Anyone else?" she asked.

A young blond girl raise her hand and said, "Japan made this obstruction. They made this eclipse which my dad drives everyday in going to work," she quipped.

-- Joke submitted by Dina Ronsfield   [Jokes]



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19 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

-- Joke submitted by Frank Doplin   [Jokes]



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