Jokes

Posted on 1 January 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza in bed, the newlywed wife snuggles up to her hubby and asks, "Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?"

After a few minutes of silence, the wife says, "Well, I'm waiting."

And the guy takes a deep breath and says, "Well, I'm still counting."

-- Joke submitted by Jodi   [Jokes]



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The man burst angrily through the door, threw his wife off the stranger's knee and angrily demanded, "How do I find you kissing my wife?"

"I don't know," said the stranger. "Maybe you're home early."

-- Joke submitted by Ken   [Jokes]



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There was a Scotsman and he was too drunk to walk home from the bar. He decides to lay down a park bench and sleep. Tomorrow he would walk home after he was sober.

In the morning two little girls are walking by to go to school when they see he is wearing his kilt. One of the little girls get curious and decide to lift up his kilt. They see he's not wearing anything under his kilt so one of the little girls takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his thing in a nice little bow. They put his kilt back down and go to school.

A little while after the man wakes up and natures calling. He finds the nearest bush, lifts up his kilt and looks down. He says in his Scottish accent, "I don't know where ya been but ya won first prize."

-- Joke submitted by Ian Murray   [Jokes]



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A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him since he only had 24 hours to live.

"Of course Darling," she replied.

And so they have sex.

Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again and says, "You know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"

Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.

Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"

By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.

After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"

She turns to him with a sour look on her face and says, "You know, you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!"

-- Joke submitted by gargona   [Jokes]



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The judge was very stern with the woman. "You are the wife of this man," he said severely. "You knew he was a burglar when you married him?"

"Yes," she replied. "I was getting old and had to choose between a burglar and a lawyer."

-- Joke submitted by Diana   [Jokes]



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Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover

1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."

3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.

4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"

5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.

6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.

7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again."

9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"

-- Joke submitted by Papa Gappa   [Jokes]



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A man was having an affair with another woman and his wife found out about it, so she told him, "If you don't end it now I'm going to go down town to the post office where you work and tell everyone I see that you're a no good cheating filthy swine."

The husband replied, "You're going to go down town to the post office where I work and tell everyone you see that I'm a no good cheating filthy swine?"

She said, "Yeah that's right".

The husband held out an envelope and said, "Post this while you're there."

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Read less.

I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store

Stop exercising. Waste of time.

Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

Watch less TV in standard definition.

Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.

Watch more movie remakes.

Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.

Procrastinate more.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.

Drink. Drink some more.

Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials.

Start being superstitious.

Spend more time at work.

Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

-- Joke submitted by CasCado   [Jokes]



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