Jokes

Posted on 18 November 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A small boy is wandering in a hotel, and hearing some noises decides to open a door. He says "Wow, it's dark here!"

You can imagine that there's a man with a woman in bed in that room... The man asks, "What do you want? Here's a pound, leave us alone."

A bit latter, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: "Wow, it's dark here!"

"Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something." And the boy goes out with 2 pounds.

The following morning, the boy feels some remorse, and tells what happened to his mother. She says: "That's wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself."

So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: "Wow, it's dark here!".

To which the priest says: "Not you again, are you following me around?"

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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Two men talking:

- You look so gloomy and haggard today. What happened?

- Yesterday my girl-friend and I were taking a walk in the park. Suddenly a maniac popped up from the shrubs.

- A sex-maniac?

- No, a bi-sexual one...

-- Joke submitted by Gogo4k   [Jokes]



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There are many "pinot" wines on the market: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio are but a few.

There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older man has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as .... Pinot More.

-- Joke submitted by John Petkin   [Jokes]



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One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus, when the boy noticed a redhead with huge breasts..."Hey Pop," the son cried, "look at those boobs!"

The father, a religious man proceeded to send the boy to an all male military academy, in the hope that he would get some manners.

Six months later the boy came home and the father decided to take him on another bus ride.

Again, a woman with very large breasts sat across from them. To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, "Look at the boobs on that redhead!"

"Boobs my eye," the boy replied with a smile, "get a load of the a** on that bus driver!!"

-- Joke submitted by zill   [Jokes]



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Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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25 Signs That You've Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save Your sorry old ass.

-- Joke submitted by laurie   [Jokes]



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Engineering Phrases (And what they really mean)

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)

Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)

The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)

We're trying a number of different approaches. (We're still guessing, at this point.)

Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)

Years of development. (It finally worked.)

Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)

We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)

We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)

Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)

Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)

No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)

Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're not likely able to fix it.)

All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)

Robust. (More than rugged.)

Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)

Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

-- Joke submitted by Brian Kerr   [Jokes]



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Things to do at a supermarket

1. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

2. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."

3. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

4. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

5. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

6. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

7. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

8. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."

9. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

10. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

11. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

12. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

13. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

14. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

15. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

16. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

17. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

18. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

19. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

20. Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.

21. Play a game of indoor freeze tag.

22. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming".

23. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes.

24. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices.

25. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane.

26. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)

27. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saying "I'm gonna save us from that bomb!"

28. Use a conveyer belt as a treadmill and lose some weight.

29. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.

30. When people aren't looking, put tampons in their carts if they are a guy, or if they are a gal, put in a jock strap.

31. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section.

32. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.

33. Take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the food section and have an expensive dinner.

34. Try to push your cart through a checkout without paying. When the clerk tries to stop you, kick in his balls (don't try it on a chick, it wont work), run, but leave the cart. See what happens.

35. If people aren't looking at their cart, steal it.

36. Go to the gun section, saying "Can I buy a gun? I'm tired of that stupid smily face!"

37. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use wite-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.

38. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught.

39. Take a leak in the dressing rooms.

40. Repeatedly say "The clowns are not eating me."

41. Use fake checks, but sign them using your neighbors name.

42. Rearrange items as you see fit.

43. Take a full set of guy's clothes and a full set of gal's clothes, then leave them lying somewhere.

44. Put pokemon stuff in a cart that is full of stuff like KoRn and Limp Bizkit CDs.

45. Grab condoms and stick them in everyone's face (only the opposite sex).

46. Do #95 but with the same sex (not recommended).

47. Grab stickers that say "radioactive" and put them randomly on food items.

48. Follow someone until they notice.

49. Pull out pins, like that guy form the 7up commercial.

50. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.

51. Record yourself while having sex, then have it play over and over again in the middle of a clothes rack.

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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