Jokes

Posted on 2 December 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.

"Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."

The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."

The customer replied, "I don't know why not–that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"

-- Joke submitted by Berlie Gitt   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


"Son, I'm worried about your being at the bottom of the class."

"Pop, they teach the same stuff at both ends."

-- Joke submitted by Rebecca Osborn   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


"Are you the wonderfully brave young man who tried to save my son's life when he broke through the ice on the lake?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Well, where did you hide his mittens?"

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Witch Doctor (to sick native): Drink this potion of ground bat wing, lizard tail, alligator scale and hawk feathers.

Sick Native: I drank that yesterday and it didn't work.

Witch Doctor: Okay, take two aspirins and call me in the morning.

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


You know you work in Corporate North America in the 90's if...

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Communication is something your group is having problems with.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

You're already late on the assignment you just got.

When 100% of your time means 20 hours.

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."

Vacation is something you roll over to next year OR a check you get every January.

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

Nepotism is encouraged.

The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

You read this entire list and understood it.

-- Joke submitted by JJP   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Points to Ponder

1. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
2. Why don't you ever see the headline, "psychic wins lottery"?
3. Why is abbreviated such a long word?
4. Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?
5. Why do you need to click on "start" to stop windows?
6. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, while washing up liquid contains real lemons?
7. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
8. Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
9. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitos?
10. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
11. Why don't they make the whole plane out of the same material as the indestructible black box?
12. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
13. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
14. Why do they call the airport the "terminal" if flying is so safe?
15. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
16. Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
17. Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
18. Why can't we tickle ourselves?
19. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
20. If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
21. If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?
22. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
24. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
25. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
26. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
27. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
28. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
29. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Signs that Technology has Taken Over Your Life

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

24. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

25. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

26. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

27. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

27. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track pad.

-- Joke submitted by JJP   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Things to do at a supermarket

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons!!"

6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms

9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this s***, anyway?"

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

40. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

41. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

42. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

43. Two words: "Marco Polo."

44. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.

45. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

46. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

47. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

48. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.

49. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

50. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5