Jokes

Posted on 19 July 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

There are two blondes and a brunette on an island. One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each.

The first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat." With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.

The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I need jetski." With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.

The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says, "Just give me a million dollars, I'll take the bridge."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them apart, so she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she can't tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for his advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horse's ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.

Again, she asks the farmer what to do and he tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, "Thanks for your advice. It turns out the white horse is two inches taller than the black horse!"

-- Joke submitted by callun   [Jokes]



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A man walked into a computer info sending and receiving center and said, “I want to send my mom the perfect Mother’s Day gift message. I want to send a message that will let her know just what kind of love and appreciation I have for her.”

The clerk said, “Nice idea; do you have something specific in mind or would you like one of the associates to help you write a special message?”

“Oh no, after all those years of taking care of me, all the advice and help she’s given me since I’ve been out on my own, never a week going by without her telling me just how to deal with every situation I’ve ever had to face, I know the perfect gift to tell her just how I feel about her, and I’d like to make sure it is sent to all five of her business computers, as well as her personal home computer and her laptop.”

“We can surely help you with that,” the clerk replied. “What is the message you’d like to send?”

“The I Love You Virus!”

-- Joke submitted by Funnylady   [Jokes]



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A young man was having some money problems, and needed £200 to get his car fixed and roadworthy again.

But had run out of people to borrow from.

So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his father. "I need to borrow two hundred pounds,"

At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."

The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred pounds!"

"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father.

The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly clearly."

The father says, "Good. Then you send him the money!"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

1. A few crumbs short of a crouton.

2. A few clowns short of a circus.

3. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

4. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

5. A few beers short of a six-pack.

6. A few peas short of a casserole.

7. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

8. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

9. One taco short of a combination plate.

10. A few feathers short of a whole duck

11. All foam, no beer.

12. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

13. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

14. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

15. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

16. As smart as bait.

17. Chimney's clogged.

18. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

19. Elevator doesn't go all th eway to the top floor.

20. Forgot to pay her brain bill.

21. Her sewing machine's out of thread.

22. If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

23. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

24. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

25. Has the intelligence of a Carrot.

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Here’s what your e-mail address says about your computer skills:

Own domain (e.g., @joesmith.com): You’re skilled and capable.

@gmail.com:When the Internet stops working, you actually try rebooting the router before calling a family member for help.

@hotmail.com:You still think that Myspace is hip.

@yahoo.com:You send e-mail chain letters saying that Bill Gates will eat your hard drive unless you forward this message to everyone you know.

@aol.com: You phone friends to tell them about a neat website, then say into the receiver, “OK, go to … h … t … t … p … colon … slash … w … w … w … dot …”

-- Joke submitted by Mary Dobson   [Jokes]



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Facts

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love... but you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

You ski uphill.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You answer the door before people knock.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You just completed your third sweater today, and you don't know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is in an earthquake.

You lick your coffee pot clean.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

People get dizzy just watching you.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You don't tan, you roast.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

-- Joke submitted by Sam Kurtis   [Jokes]



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