Jokes

Posted on 21 November 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

-- Joke submitted by Gomer   [Jokes]



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The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doc examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."

"Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the businessman.

"Do you want to write your will?"

"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."

-- Joke submitted by Pinkerton   [Jokes]



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Judi was walking by the jewelry store one day in the midtown mall. She saw a diamond bracelet that she really liked. In the store she went.

"Excuse me," she said to the sales lady behind the counter, "Will a small deposit hold that bracelet until my husband does something unforgivable?"

-- Joke submitted by Julie Fox   [Jokes]



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It was the boy's first trip by plane. As the engines began to roar, he gripped the arms of his seat, closed his eyes, and counted to 100. When he opened his eyes, he looked out the window.

"See those tiny people down there?" he said to the woman sitting next to him. "Don't they look like ants?"

"They are ants," the woman said. "We haven't left the ground yet."

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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Murphy's Dictums

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs lasts, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 Rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

8. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

10. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

11. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

12. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

-- Joke submitted by Erika Tucker   [Jokes]



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Two men went fishing. One was an experienced fisherman, the other wasn't. Every time the experienced fisherman caught a big fish, he put it in his ice chest to keep it fresh. Whenever the inexperienced fisherman caught a big fish, he threw it back.

The experienced fisherman watched this go on all day and finally got tired of seeing the man waste good fish. "Why do you keep throwing back all the big fish you catch?" he asked.

The inexperienced fisherman replied, "I only have a small frying pan."

-- Joke submitted by Patrick Bacon   [Jokes]



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Is your pet normal?

To see if your dog has a problem, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does your dog know the spelling, Latin root and French translation of the word "walk," yet is unable to grasp the meaning of the word "come?"

2. Does your dog immediately leap on a cat, bunny rabbit, or child upon hearing the words, "Don't worry he LOVES cats, bunny rabbits and children?"

3. Is your dog shameless, graceless, without dignity and extremely in touch with his inner puppy?

4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night to warn you of the dangers of a kitchen chair, then sleep through the theft of all your valuable possessions?

5. Does he develop a tragic and profound deafness at the sound of, "It's time to go home," yet possess bionic hearing at the sound of a can opener?

If you answered "yes" to most of these questions... relax, your dog is normal!

To see if your cat has a problem, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two hours in non- stop eating?

2. Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top of your freshly-cleaned-of-hair bedspread?

3. Is your cat selfish? Conceited? Arrogant? Aloof? Insensitive?

4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch him eat?

5. Does your cat tear down holiday decorations? Does he destroy any stuffed toy or cat-sized household ornament which might be misconstrued as his competition?

6. Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all property? Does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if you are an embarrassment to him?

If you answered "yes" to most of these questions... relax, your cat is normal!

-- Joke submitted by VeggieQueen   [Jokes]



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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

-- Joke submitted by Hugh   [Jokes]



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