Jokes

Posted on 14 April 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

There were three men who got stranded on an island. A group of cannibals found the three men and took them to their place in the tropical rainforest of an island.

The cannibals told the three men to go in the rainforest and find ten of the same fruits each. So the three of them went into the woods to get fruits. An hour later they all came back.

The first man brought ten apples.

The Cannibals told the man to push all the apples up his ass with out crying, if he did not cry, the cannibals would let him go. The man pushed five up his ass then cried. The cannibals ate him.

The second man brought ten berries. The Cannibals told him to push all the berries up his ass without laughing, and if he didn't laugh, they would let him go. The man pushed nine up his ass then laughed. The cannibals ate him.

Up in heaven the first man asked the second man, "Why did you laugh, you were so close!"

The second man says, "I couldn't help it, the next guy came with ten pineapples."

-- Joke submitted by pussycat   [Jokes]



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When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhoea."

Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."

-- Joke submitted by Alyssa Wilson   [Jokes]



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A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the woman behind the counter, "Is there a male pharmacist available?"

"No," she says, "My sister and I own this place and we are both pharmacists. How can we help you?"

The man steps back, opens his coat revealing this rather large bulge in the front of his pants and says, "It's been like this for 7 days now, can you give me anything for it?"

"Hmmm," says the woman, "Let me go consult my sister." Moments later she returns and says, "OK, we'll give you $400 cash and a half interest in the pharmacy."

-- Joke submitted by Ferdi Kiel   [Jokes]



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Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons. This farmer had just inherited some of money from his brother's recent death. He couldn't decide which son he could send to college, since he could only afford to send one.

This farmer also had two ducks. These ducks were retarded. They were only two ducks on the farm that weren't normal. He told his sons that whoever could get the most money for the duck would go to college. The sons went out in attempt to collect as much money as they could.

The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working in the yard. The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved the taste of ducks. He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck. The son decided this was very good, so he took it. He decided his brother wouldn't be able to get close to his success.

The second son was walking and passed a whorehouse. He went in and said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck. One girl said fine. After they f**ked, she decided that she didn't want the duck anymore. The son said he would take the duck back if they f**ked again. She agreed. After they f**ked the second time, the son left.

He was walking home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it broke the leash. The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car. The lady that hit it jumped from her car and started apologizing profusely. The son insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck. She was in a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off.

When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got. He proudly displayed the 10 dollars. The farmer was impressed. He asked the second son the same thing.

"That's nothing. I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and 25 dollars for a f**ked up duck."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.

The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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How they do it

Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bach did it using the organ
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookkeepers do it for the record
Bosses delegate the task to others
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentists do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Elevator men do it up and down
Engineers do it to specifications
Engineers do it to a first order approximation
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbagemen come twice a week
Gardeners do it on the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Managers make others do it
Marketing reps do it on commission
Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
Teachers do it with class
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Zoologists do it with animals

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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What To Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex

1. "Ooooooo" (the obvious)
2. "That would work better the other way around..."
3. Sniff. Sniff. "Is something burning?"
4. "Damn, that's complicated."
5. "Wait, wait, use my pillow."
6. "Alright already, I came."
7. "You guys need a value pak."
8. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say "Good show, old bean."
9. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"
10. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."
11. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."
12. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change positions.
13. "You know, they say that three's a charm."
14. Suggest your favorite position.
15. Shine a flashlight on them and say, "This is a citizen's arrest,assume the position."
16. "Bring in the Gimp."
17. "Hold that pose."
18. Sit up in your bed, bounce vigorously, clapping and squealing with joy.
19. Start signing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."
20. Sing "Shake your bootie."
21. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??"
22. Charge admission at the door.
23. Make and hold up score cards.
24. All of them should read 6. 9.
25. "I think you dropped something."

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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A few sex positions you may not know

Chinese Checkers:
Where you jump from hole to hole while jumping holes already filled. A variation can be played with 2 people but it is much more recommended to play with 3+ people. In this game everyone wins.

Top Hat Monocle Position:
A higher class sexual position in which a top hat and monocle are used. The imagination is used to make for a kinky sexual environment. A very passionate and energetic sex position.

WWF Champions:
When your in the 69 position and while a girl is sucking your dick you pick her up from the bed and piledrive her to the ground.

Sex Clown:
The act of suddenly and without warning blowing your load on a woman's breasts and face during sex, followed by a quick honking of her nose. The honking can be done simply for comedic effect, or, as an act of courtesy, to squeeze out any jizz that may have entered her nostrils. NOTE: the person on the receiving end may not put out for weeks after experiencing the sex clown.

Omega Position:
A sex move that collapses space-time to a single point which then expands and cools to form a new universe. (That's why they call it the 'big bang'.)

Simon Sex:
Having sex while the chosen partner, "Simon" gets to shout out different positions, and the other partner has less then 30 seconds to perform. Gets progressively tougher. If they fail they get punished (some people play to lose).

Rodeo Position:
When a man has sex with his woman in the Doggy Position, leans over and says, "You know, your sister likes this position too." And tries to hang on for 8 seconds.

Canada's History:
The most gruesome sex act in the kama sutra that usually involves maple syrup, at least one moose, a duck, the Stanley Cup, and as many beavers as you'd like. This sex position is less popular than most others mainly because it is stickier than most, but is still gaining popularity in certain regions.

The Pirate:
While a man and woman are having sex, the man kicks the woman in the shin and cums in her eye. This causes her to yell "Arrrrr" and then wear an eye patch.

Meatloaf Pie Snatcher:
Quite possibly the only sex position ever known to get the red-headed cowboy off. At times taking up to 14 hours to complete, one must have the utmost stamina to perform the task. This is not for the light-hearted, as last week's lunch is normally involved. Originated in the heart of North Carolina, the first meatloaf pie snatcher ever performed created the loudest sonic boom, in this case referred to as "quantum stroke," ever recorded. Chuck Norris himself was said to have exclaimed, "damn, man!" To compete, Chuck then invented the Potroast Poledance, but no normal human has since replicated the feat, and the first three women involved perished, and roundhouse kicking may have been a factor.

-- Joke submitted by BBL   [Jokes]



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