Jokes

Posted on 20 June 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yeah I remember that my love!"

Husband: "I'm in the pub just next to that shop."

-- Joke submitted by parshant   [Jokes]



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Two drunks were riding a roller coaster.

One turned to the other and said, "We may be making good time, but I've got a feeling we're on the wrong bus."

-- Joke submitted by Tom Mulvaney   [Jokes]



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Teacher: Jimmy, use the word "handsome" in a sentence.

Jimmy: Handsome gum over will ya?

Teacher: No, no, that's not right. You have one more chance. Use the word "gladiator" in a sentence.

Jimmy: A monster ate my sister and I'm gladiator.

-- Joke submitted by Hilda McVicar   [Jokes]



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A guest speaker is trying to make himself heard over the racket of a boisterous football team dinner. He complains to the president who is sitting next to him. "It's so noisy, I can't hear myself speak."

"I wouldn't worry about it," replies the president. "You're not missing much."

-- Joke submitted by VickyLoo   [Jokes]



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Two men went fishing. One was an experienced fisherman, the other wasn't. Every time the experienced fisherman caught a big fish, he put it in his ice chest to keep it fresh. Whenever the inexperienced fisherman caught a big fish, he threw it back.

The experienced fisherman watched this go on all day and finally got tired of seeing the man waste good fish. "Why do you keep throwing back all the big fish you catch?" he asked.

The inexperienced fisherman replied, "I only have a small frying pan."

-- Joke submitted by Patrick Bacon   [Jokes]



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Collette: "Do you think I'm a fool?"

Suzanne: "No, but what's my opinion against thousands of others?"

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.

-- Joke submitted by jnelsoninjax   [Jokes]



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One-liners

1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried, but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

9. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

10. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

11. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

12. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

13. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

14. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

15. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

16. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

17. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

18. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

19. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

20. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

21. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

22.Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

23.Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

24.It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

25.There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

27.There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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